But You Seemed So Happy: A Marriage, in Pieces and Bits

by Kimberly Harrington

I think I might’ve assumed moving forward meant moving on. That all we had to do was put all those miles between us and loss. I didn’t know yet that grief, especially that depth of grief, wasn’t something you just moved on or away from. Especially when it is mostly silent, mostly hidden. Especially when I assumed Jon was coping because he never overtly said, “Look at me. Can you see me? I am grieving.” Because I somehow believed if I just didn’t bring it up he wouldn’t remember. I didn’t want to remind him, as if he had somehow forgotten. I wish I had said to him that week, maybe, let’s not go. I wish I had said to him that week, I think you need to talk to someone, if not now then soon. And certainly if not me, then absolutely someone, please. I wish I had said, I don’t know what to do but I promise not to ignore this. But I ignored it. Because I didn’t understand it and ignoring it was easier. Ignoring it would always be easier.