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the American has no time to tie himself to anything, he grows accustomed only to change, and ends by regarding it as the natural state of man. He feels the need of it, more, he loves it; for the instability, instead of meaning disaster to him, seems to give birth only to miracles all about him.2
To feel as though everything is "up in the air," as one so often does during times of personal transition, is endurable if it means something—if it is part of a movement toward a desired end. But if it is not related to some larger and beneficial pattern, it simply becomes distressing.
All transitions are composed of (1) an ending, (2) a neutral zone, and (3) a new beginning.
(Rule number one: When you're in transition, you find yourself coming back in new ways to old activities.)
Those who had chosen to make the changes that had put them into transition tended to minimize the importance of endings; it was almost as if the act of acknowledging an ending as painful was an admission that the change triggering the transition had been a mistake.
On the other hand, those who had gone into transition unwillingly or unwittingly found it very hard to admit that a new beginning and a new phase of their lives might be at hand. They were as invested in seeing no good in their transition as the other group was in denying distress.
rule number two: Every transition begins with an ending. We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new one—not just outwardly, but inwardly, where we keep our connections to people and places that act as definitions of who we are.
They involve developing new skills for negotiating the perilous passage across the "nowhere" that separates the old life situation from the new. But before that can be done, you need to understand your own characteristic ways of coping with endings. One way to do this is to think back over the endings in your own life.
As you begin to remember your old reactions to endings, you are likely to realize that your old mindset is being reactivated in the present whenever something ends in your life.
Rule number three: Although it is advantageous to understand your own style of endings, some part of you will resist that understanding as though your life depended on it.
So we have rule number four: First there is an ending, then a beginning, and an important empty or fallow time in between.
Growing frightened, we are likely to try to abort the three-phase process of ending, lostness, and beginning. We might even twist this pattern around so that beginnings come first, then endings, and then. . .then what? Nothing. When we turn things around in that way, transition becomes unintelligible and frightening.
Having decided to repress inner promptings to change, some people begin at this point to turn away from the opportunities for development provided by transition and instead deal with the times of transition as temporary and accidental disruptions in an otherwise stable life. In the short run, these people seem to gain by avoiding the time-consuming shifts and inner reorientation that others are going through; but in the long run, they lose. They turn into the brittle beauties of the suburbs and the company yes-men who rejoin them at the end of the day.
After the "age thirty transition" comes a time for a man to join the tribe as a full adult on terms he can accept: time to find his niche, get plugged into society with greater commitment and responsibility, raise a family and exercise an occupation and do his bit for the survival and well-being of the tribe. . .. [Whatever the person's particular "tribe,"] everyone during Settling Down is strongly connected to a segment of his society, responsive to its demands and seeking the affirmation and rewards it offers.5
Carried free of the old conflicts and confusions of trying to make it, and carried out into the clear water of self-knowledge and service, many people find at last what they were meant to do and to be. Gandhi discovered at fifty his real mission in nonviolent resistance. Cervantes was older than that when he began his career as a novelist.
So in the end, the homeward journey of life's second half demands three things: First, that we unlearn the style of mastering the world that we used to take us through the first half of life; second, that we resist our own longings to abandon the developmental journey and refuse the invitations to stay forever at some attractive stopping place; and third, that we recognize that it will take real effort to regain the inner "home."
One person takes care of the practical issues and the other handles the human ones; or one expresses emotions and the other anchors the relationship in practical ways; or one is full of plans and the other is the tough critic. Each of them has always been somewhat that way—roles aren't invented out of thin air, after all—but the partnership lets them become more so. After a few years of that, the two are
polarized with the role-enabled side of each personality artificially amplified by the arrangement. Each of them becomes a less-than-whole person, and each becomes a stand in for the side of the other's personality that is not being expressed within the relationship. He's not just a rational guy. He becomes the substitute for her rationality.
When these patterns change, the parties to the relationship will report that they are in transition. Various actions can help in that kind of a situation. First, of course, the partners should
discuss what each of them is experiencing. Next, they should use the transition framework to structure that talk and to realize that relinquishing old arrangements and being left in the neutral zone is always difficult and confusing. The distress you feel isn't a sign that the other is being unfair, any more than it's a sign that you are defective. It's just that you are both in the midst of a significant life transition and it's taking its toll. Like any transition, this one could bring you out in a better place.
Take your time. The outer forms of our lives can change in an instant, but the inner reorientation that brings us back into a vital relation to people and activity takes time.
You will need to work out ways of going on while the inner work is being done. This may involve working out a temporary way to make decisions; it may involve agreements about how to allocate responsibilities until something more permanent can be devised; or it may simply involve an inner resolve to accept a given situation as temporary and to transfer some energy to finding a replacement for it.
Don't act for the sake of action.
Take care of yourself in little ways.
Explore the other side of the change.
If you have not chosen your change, there are a dozen reasons to refuse to see its possible benefits—for
On the other hand, if you have chosen your change, there are just as many reasons not to want to consider its cost—for
Think of transition as a process of leaving the status quo, living for a while in a fertile "time-out," and then coming back with an answer.
The transition itself begins with letting go of something that you have believed or assumed, some way you've always been or seen yourself, some outlook on the world or attitude toward others.
