Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

by John Eldredge

Every woman I’ve ever met feels it—something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

When you are with a woman, ask yourself, “What is she telling me about God?” It will open up wonders for you.

God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired.

Life changes dramatically when romance comes into our lives. Christianity changes dramatically when we discover that it, too, is a great romance. That God yearns to share a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure with us. “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3). This whole world was made for romance—the rivers and the glens, the meadows and beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way of forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry. Eve—God’s message to the world in feminine form—invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority of the universe.

And so you’ll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place.

There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well. I sit outside on a summer evening and just listen and behold and drink it all in, and my heart begins to quiet and peace begins to come into my soul. My heart tells me, All will be well, as Julian of Norwich concluded. “And all manner of things will be well.”8 That is what beauty says, All shall be well.

Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh no. We struggle to know if we matter at all.

That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world.

Like Eve after she tasted the forbidden fruit, we women hide. We hide behind our makeup. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We act in self-protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe, and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We have spoken in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don’t return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious in us is also squelched, diminished, and refused—something God needs so very, very much for us to bring to the world.

Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known—if it hasn’t already been discovered—and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman’s worst fear—abandonment.

We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what he thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate.

Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are a dominating kind of woman, we offer our “expertise.” If we are a desolate kind of woman, we offer our “service.” We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected.

From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. Clearly, he’s holding out on us. We’ll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We’ll have to find a way to fill it. A way that does not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability.

And to every woman he has whispered, “You are alone,” or “When they see who you really are, you will be alone,” or “No one will ever truly come for you.” Take a moment. Quiet your heart and ask yourself, “Is this a message I have believed, feared, lived with?” Not only do most women fear they will ultimately be abandoned by the men in their lives—they fear it from other women as well. That they will be abandoned by their friends and left alone. It’s time to reveal this pervasive threat, this crippling fear, this terrible lie.

The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed.

It might come as a surprise that Christ asks our permission to come in and heal, but he is kind, and the door is shut from the inside, and healing never comes against our will. In order to experience his healing, we must also give him permission to come in to the places we have so long shut to anyone.

Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That’s not the way life was supposed to go.

You still have a Question, dear one. We all do. We all still need to know, Do you see me? Am I captivating? Do I have a beauty all my own?

Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God’s version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies, warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion.

This romancing is immensely personal. It will be as if it has been scripted for your heart. He knows what takes your breath away, knows what makes your heart beat faster. We have missed many of his notes simply because we shut our hearts down in order to endure the pain of life. Now, in our healing journey as women, we must open our hearts again, and keep them open. Not foolishly, not to anyone and anything. But yes, we must choose to open our hearts again so that we might hear his whispers, receive his kisses.

(He loves your vulnerability, as any Lover does. He loves it when you share your truest heart’s desire with him.)

He wants to pour his love into your heart, and he longs to have you pour yours into his. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.

“He will quiet you with his love” (Zeph. 3:17 NKJV). A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest, trusting God because she has come to know him to be worthy of her trust. She exudes a sense of calm, a sense of rest, and invites those around her to rest as well. She speaks comfort; she knows that we live in a world at war, that we have a vicious enemy, and our journey is through a broken world. But she also knows that because of God all is well, that all will be well. A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become. In her presence, we can release the tension and pressure that so often grip our hearts. We can also breathe in the truth that God loves us and he is good.

He delights in alluring us and in revealing himself to those who wholeheartedly seek him. He wants to be known, to be explored. A woman does too. She fears it, but below the fear is a longing to be known, to be seen as beautiful and enjoyed.

The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come—unguarded, undistracted—and be fully present, fully engaged with whomever we are with at that moment.

woman who is full of tender mercy and soft vulnerability is a powerful, lovely woman.

Jesus offered like no other, and many rejected him. In those moments or seasons when that happens to us, God’s invitation is to bring our sorrow to him. Not to shut down with, I’ll never try that again. But to keep our hearts open and alive, and find refuge and healing in his love.

We do not always get what we want, but that doesn’t mean that we no longer want. It means we stay awake to the unmet longing and ache. Wait there. Invite Jesus to come, there.

Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying yes when the world says no. By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it “a place of springs” (Ps. 84:6).

Knowing the parting that was soon to come did not diminish the beauty nor our delight in being together. No, it heightened it. It made us more alive to the moment. More aware. More present. And so it is with a heart awakened to its sorrow. It is more aware, more present, and more alive, to all of the facets of life.

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts. It’s scary, for sure. That is why it is our greatest expression of faith, because we are going to have to trust Jesus—really trust him. We’ll have to trust him that we have a beauty, that what he has said of us is true. And we’ll have to trust him with how it goes when we offer it, because that is out of our control. We’ll have to trust him when it hurts, and we’ll have to trust him when we are finally seen and enjoyed. That’s why unveiling our beauty is how we live by faith.

When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. That is how we love—sincerely, as the Scripture says, “from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22). Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beauty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love.

The desire in a daughter to please her mother is matched only by her desire to be separate from her.

The gift of friendship among women is a treasure not to be taken lightly. Women friends become the face of God to one another—the face of grace, of delight, of mercy.

There is often a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion, and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here, in this holy place, that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good. It is here that she can mother, nurture, encourage, and call forth Life.

We love our friends by pursuing them—calls, little presents, cards, invitations to play, to go for a walk, to go to a movie. We offer our hearts.

For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her. Fallen Eve demands that people “come through” for her. Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire, and willing to be disappointed. Fallen Eve has been wounded by others and withdraws in order to protect herself from further harm. Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self.

While our hearts drink deeply and rest in God’s good heart, he “mothers” us so that we continue to become ever more truly who he intends us and created us to be—the women we truly are. A woman who partners with God in bringing forth life in this damaged world—offering, loving, inviting others to become who they were meant to be—she is a mother indeed. She—like God—offers Freedom and Life.

We do long to be fought for; loved enough to be courageously protected. But there is a mighty strength and fierceness set in the hearts of women by God. This fierceness is true to who we are and what we are created to do.

Now, often the hardest person to fight for is . . . yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. Without you, much will be lost. It is time to take a stand and to stand firm. We are at war. You are needed.

Cinderella’s response took immense courage, courage that came only out of a deep desire to find the life her heart knew it was meant for. She wanted to go. But it took steadfastness to press through her fears just to get to the ball.

because of the Trinity, relationship is the most important thing in the universe.

What is it you yearn to see happen—how do you long for the world to be a better place? What makes you so angry you nearly see red? What brings you to tears?

You will find that as God restores your heart and sets you free, you will recover long-lost passions, long-forsaken dreams. You’ll find yourself drawn to some vision for making the world a better place. Those emerging desires are invitations—not to rush out and attempt them immediately. That also is naive. They are invitations to bring your heart to your Lover and ask him to clarify, to deepen, to speak to you about how and when and with whom. We love Frederick Buechner’s description when he wrote, “The place that God calls us is that place where the world’s deep hunger and our deep desire meet.”2

To live as an authentic, ransomed, and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted. We cannot play the ezer role we were meant to play if we remain bound by shame and fear, presenting only to the world the face we have learned is safe. You have only one life to live. It would be best to live your own.

You are a woman. An image bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. You were chosen before time and space, and you are wholly and dearly loved. You are sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of your Fiancé, Jesus. You are dangerous in your beauty and your life-giving power. And you are needed.

And that is crucial, dear heart. Whatever your particular calling, you are meant to grace the world with your dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever he leads you. He will lead you first into himself; and then, with him, he will lead you into the world that he loves and needs you to love.

The tiny little choices to love that are seen only by God matter as deeply as the grand ones.

you don’t know what is planted in yours, ask yourself, “Where have I been wounded? What sentences have I been living under that have pinned my heart down and kept me from offering my unique beauty, from playing my irreplaceable role?” These are clues to your calling. Ask God. He will show you.

There is a song written on your heart and you must sing it. The world is waiting, needing what it is you have to offer. You must live the life you were born to live.