Nervous Conditions (Nervous Conditions #1)

by Tsitsi Dangarembga

There was definitely something wrong with me, otherwise I would have had something to say for myself. I knew I had not taken a stand on many issues since coming to the mission, but all along I had been thinking that it was because there had been no reason to, that when the time came I would be able to do it. Coming to the mission, continuing my education and doing well at it, these had been the things that mattered. And since these things had been progressing according to plan for nearly two years, I had thought that ambiguities no longer existed. I had thought that issues would continue to be clearly delimited, with Babamukuru, who was as nearly divine as any human being could hope to be, imposing the limits. Through him, because of him, black would remain definitely sombre and white permanently clear, even in spite of Nyasha, whose strange disposition hinted at shades and textures within the same colour. My vagueness and my reverence for my uncle, what he was, what he had achieved, what he represented and therefore what he wanted, had stunted the growth of my faculty of criticism, sapped the energy that in childhood I had used to define my own position. It had happened insidiously, the many favourable comparisons with Nyasha doing a lot of the damage. It was such a bed of confusion. I would not have been here with Babamukuru if I had not been able to stand up to my own father, yet now I was unable to tell my uncle that his wedding was a farce. And still I could not accep...