Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner (Mental & Emotional Wellness Book 1)

by Nic Saluppo

Why can’t things go back to how they used to be? Because now, a plethora of feelings are involved. Before, the only feeling involved was happiness, but anger, frustration, and hurt feelings have entered the building. When those feelings are swept under the rug, you’ll feel those emotions more and more often, eventually feeling resentful and bitter towards your partner at least half of the time, if not most of the time.

One of the primary keys is to stop shoving your feelings down, bring them up into the light, and directly communicate them.

Most of us didn’t have anyone in our lives to model communication that builds and strengthens relationships. Instead, we saw either a) the type of communication that tears relationships apart, or b) no communication at all (which is still a form of communication).

They’ll tell you that I certainly did try to communicate. The thing about it is that trying to communicate without knowing how to communicate is like trying to diffuse an explosive device with no understanding of the wiring.

When you tell someone they always do something or never do something, what’s the response you’re going to get? Defensiveness and arguing. Every. Single. Time.

It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to be mean, rude, or disrespectful when you feel frustrated.

Second, use the term when.

Finally, make a Big Ask by using the phrase, would you be willing?

Remember, your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation. Whenever either individual wins, the relationship as a whole loses. If the relationship as a whole loses, then you lose, too. Therefore, begin thinking in terms of what’s best for your relationship as opposed to how you can get the upper hand on your partner.

Keys to Remember The terms “should” and “shouldn’t” are insults in disguise. When speaking to your partner, completely remove these terms from your vocabulary. Instead of using the term should, say, “I would like . . .” This is an effective approach because it removes the insult while keeping your desire in place.

Instead of name-calling or insulting, say, “I feel angry.”

Your partner needs their perspective acknowledged and validated, not obliterated.

Keys to Remember Avoid name-calling and insults, as they lead to intensified arguing. If you’re feeling angry, directly state, “I feel angry.” This is concise and clear. It avoids manifesting your anger in the form of insults, names, or sarcasm. If you’re so angry or frustrated that you become overwhelmed, step away for a moment. Take responsibility for seeking your partner out to continue the conversation once you’ve calmed down.

Instead of saying nothing, say, “This is challenging for me.”

“You can see, then, that you are verbal. It’s just that you don’t verbalize.”

To make things easy on yourself, tell your partner, I want to say something, but this is challenging for me. Now, you’ve opened the door to a discussion. This is a huge step, and infinitely better than avoiding the subject completely.

“These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable for both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”

Keys to Remember Saying nothing at all and avoiding communication is toxic. Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you. Don’t allow your partner to invalidate your feelings. Communicating your feelings is your responsibility, not your partner’s. Likewise, it’s your partner’s responsibility to communicate their feelings, not yours. You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it.

Instead of saying, “I feel like . . .” say, “I think X and I feel Y about that.”

Satisfying communication requires you to clearly distinguish thoughts from feelings.

To avoid getting into an argument when expressing your feelings, use this formula: [I think X] + [I feel Y about that].

I have this idea in my mind that you don’t care about me. I’m feeling sad and afraid about that. I’m not saying it’s necessarily true, but it’s what I experience when you say X and do Y.

Here’s a list of the unpleasant feelings you may experience: Fear/Terror Anger/Rage Anxiety/Worry Sadness/Grief Frustration Shame/Guilt Embarrassment/Humiliation

list of the pleasant feelings you may experience: Happiness Joy Gladness Peace Excitement

“I think you don’t care about me and I feel sad about that.”

“I’m expressing my thoughts and feelings. I’ve taken ownership of what I’m experiencing. I haven’t attacked or blamed you for the way I feel. I haven’t been rude or mean to you. I’m open to discussing both of our perspectives so we can come to a mutual understanding. What I’m not open to is you telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”

I’m going to share my perspective and experience. I’m not saying you have to agree with my reasons for it—I’ll be open to discussing those. However, I do firmly ask that you respect my feelings—don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel.

Jumbling thoughts and feelings while trying to communicate with your partner can set you up for a fight. Thoughts are not feelings, and feelings are not thoughts. A thought is something you think in the form of words or images. A feeling is a physiological sensation in your body. Use the formula [I think X] + [I feel Y about that].

Instead of saying, “You make me feel,” say, “I feel . . .”

You’re giving away your power when you say something made you feel.”

Understanding that my emotional well-being was contingent upon external events or other people treating me just how I wanted—after all, they made me feel things—forced me to make a decision. Would I continue basing my quality of life on something I had no control over, i.e.,

My Dating Partners Weren’t Making Me Feel Things.

Had I taken ownership of my feelings about her behavior, I could have a) processed my feelings in an emotionally healthy way, and b) evaluated whether this was a relationship I wanted to remain in.

By saying, “You made me angry,” (replace angry with any feeling you want), I was blaming them for my feelings.

If you want to get fancy, you can use this formula: When [X], I feel [Y]. Here are a few examples: When [you call me dumb], I feel [angry and sad]. When [you say you’re going to be there and aren’t], I feel [frustrated]. When [you tease me in front of others], I feel [embarrassed]. Add your own here: When [X], I feel [Y].

Keys to Remember When you think someone makes you feel a certain way, the underlying message is that they are a puppet master over you, giving and taking away certain emotions. Saying someone makes you feel something is also a verbal attack on that person. It’s okay to hold them responsible for their words or actions, but not for your feelings. Instead of saying You make me feel, say I feel. If you want to elaborate, say When [X], I feel [Y]. For example, When [you don’t follow up on your word], I feel [frustrated].

Don’t fix your partner or try to make them stop crying. Put your hand on their back and say, “It’s great you’re letting this out.”

Crying isn’t unhealthy. Discomfort with crying is unhealthy. If your partner is crying, don’t try to make them stop. Simply allow them to do so while being a supportive presence. Be careful not to confuse grief with self-pity. Grieving your loss heals, but self-pity perpetuates your suffering.

Instead of saying, “Don’t be upset with me,” say, “You can be upset with me as long as you want.”

You have the right to be angry and upset with me. I’m not going to try and convince you not to be. You can be angry and upset as long as you want.

When your partner is upset with you, avoid trying to convince them not to be upset. They are allowed to feel how they feel. The sooner you stop telling them to not feel the way they do, the sooner your partner will begin working through the problem. An immediate shift from upset emotions regarding something hurtful you’ve said or done to being over it does neither you nor the relationship any favors. Those emotions will come back later, so it’s better to process them now.

Let’s look at another example: If you yell at me again I’m removing myself from this conversation. That’s not a request, it’s a boundary. Like the previous example, you still don’t have control over whether your partner yells at you. However, you do have control over whether you remove yourself from the conversation. See the difference? If your partner yells again, you follow through by removing yourself from the conversation. Again: It’s not about controlling the other person, it’s about deciding what you are and aren’t willing to live with.

Setting boundaries is a 3-step process. Identify the disrespectful behavior. State what you’ll do if that behavior is repeated. Follow through on what you said you would do.

Don’t fight disrespect with more disrespect. Instead, calmly and assertively use boundaries. When utilizing boundaries, avoid requests and threats. Use the 3-step boundary setting process: Identify the disrespectful behavior. State what you’ll do if that behavior is repeated. Follow through on what you said you would do. You might be uncomfortable with following through, but discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

Don’t view your partner bringing up growth areas as a personal attack. Instead, view it as them wanting to improve the relationship, which also benefits you. If you don’t like how they’re bringing the issue up (e.g., being disrespectful), address the disrespect while staying open to examining the actual issue they’re bringing up. Constant defensiveness and an unwillingness to acknowledge your areas of growth will lead to slow-roasting your relationship to death. Having an area of growth doesn’t mean all of you is terrible, so be careful not to fall into that type of dysfunctional thinking. Your relationship is just like every other relationship that ever existed—it requires growth from both yourself and your partner.

Misreading motivations and intentions Handling disrespect (e.g., name-calling, insults) before getting down to the actual issue you want to discuss Realizing your partner doesn’t understand where you’re coming from, then clarifying your viewpoint Seeking to clarify where your partner is coming from Identifying your feelings Asking your partner to identify their feelings Working through a plethora of issues that arise as a result of discussing one topic