Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner (Mental & Emotional Wellness Book 1)

by Nic Saluppo

We can get through this, you think. Let’s just try and get back to how things used to be. Ah, the good ol’ used-to-be myth. Things can’t go back to how they used to be. Ever. They can only evolve forward into something new. The something new can either be a worse version of your relationship, or, if you learn to communicate effectively, a better, happier, and more connected version of your relationship.

When you tell someone they always do something or never do something, what’s the response you’re going to get? Defensiveness and arguing. Every. Single. Time.

Remember, your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation. Whenever either individual wins at the expense of the other partner, the relationship as a whole loses. If the relationship as a whole loses, then you lose, too. Therefore, begin thinking in terms of what’s best for your relationship as opposed to how you can get the upper hand on your partner.

For whatever reason, you’ve decided, probably unconsciously, that saying nothing has a larger payoff than discussing how you feel. When this happens, it’s usually because you were either a) shamed for your feelings as a child, or b) put in a catch-22 by your caregivers.

Next, those who experience a catch-22 often end up utterly confused. The catch-22 goes like this: Your caregivers encouraged you to share your feelings with them. They might say things like, “Talk to me; you never tell me how you feel,” or, “I just want to know what you’re thinking.” Then, when you do tell them your feelings, they say, “Here’s why you shouldn’t feel that way,” proceeding to explain, in detail, why your feelings are wrong. Such a catch-22 can be utterly confusing, especially to a child who has no ability to decide for themselves whether the caregiver’s approach is appropriate or not. You grow into an adult and enter relationships with a damned if I do, damned if I don’t mindset when it comes to communicating your feelings.

communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. It’s not your partner’s job to bring that out of you, but it is their job to not judge or shame you when you do it.

If your partner tries squelching or minimizing your feelings, say, “These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable for both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”

Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel. “I’m sorry I said mean things to you. That was wrong of me,” is an acceptable apology because the person is taking responsibility for what they did, not for how you felt. “I’m sorry I made you mad and upset,” is not acceptable, as it both takes away your power and evades direct responsibility for their behavior.

We used to be so happy. What nobody told them when first starting out was that all relationships evolve. Either you flow with the evolution and work through the transformational growth process, or you fight the evolution and grow apart.