Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner (Mental & Emotional Wellness Book 1)

by Nic Saluppo

Additionally, you don’t even need to be angry and yelling to create a fight. Your words can be just as detrimental even if you’re saying them quietly and calmly. In fact, this could be more challenging to work through because the person saying these phrases can always fall back on saying, “Look, I’m not yelling, am I? I’m calm, see?” Sure, but you’re still being sarcastic, cruel, and disrespectful. Harmful communication has been camouflaged beneath a calm external demeanor. This is a common manipulation tactic, and you’ll want to be aware of it.

Directly state that you’re frustrated so it doesn’t unconsciously toxify your communication. “I feel frustrated.” It’s that simple. It’s okay to feel frustrated. What’s not okay is when your frustration leads to mean, rude, and disrespectful communication.

Go for the Big Ask. “I’ve been the one making the bed each day. Would you be willing to make it on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays?”

Instead of using the term should, say, “I would like . . .” This is an effective approach because it removes the insult while keeping your desire in place.

Your partner needs their perspective acknowledged and validated, not obliterated.

If your partner says, “Well, you shouldn’t feel angry,” respond with, “That’s how I feel. And before we can discuss different perspectives, I’m asking you to acknowledge that I do feel angry. You don’t have to agree with my reasons for feeling angry, but I do need you to acknowledge that it’s the way I’m feeling right now.”

To make things easy on yourself, tell your partner, “I want to say something, but this is challenging for me.” Now, you’ve opened the door to a discussion. This is a huge step, and infinitely better than avoiding the subject completely.

“These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable for both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”

“I’m expressing my thoughts and feelings. I’ve taken ownership of what I’m experiencing. I haven’t attacked or blamed you for the way I feel. I haven’t been rude or mean to you. I’m open to discussing both of our perspectives so we can come to a mutual understanding. What I’m not open to is you telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”

“I’m going to share my perspective and experience. I’m not saying you have to agree with my reasons for it—I’ll be open to discussing those. However, I do firmly ask that you respect my feelings—don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”

Relationship progress takes place when there’s a mutual willingness to be accountable. Without this, unfortunately, your connection with your partner will be minimal. I don’t know anybody who wants to be with someone who’s unwilling to examine their part in the downfall of a relationship. So, why do you expect your partner to be happy being with you if you’re not willing to examine how you’re contributing to the problems in your relationship?