Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner (Mental & Emotional Wellness Book 1)

by Nic Saluppo

“You always do that!” or, “You never help out!” This is dangerous because, first, it’s not true. Second, in the 0.000001% of cases it is true, it’s still not worth saying because it breeds defensiveness in the person you’re talking to.

Finally, make a Big Ask by using the phrase, would you be willing? For example, “I’m the one who picks up your clothes. Would you be willing to help me out by putting your clothes in the basket?”

word. I looked up the definition of should, and here’s what was given: “Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.” Did you get that? Criticizing. When you should on yourself, you’re criticizing yourself. When you should on your partner, it’s a criticism in disguise. That’s why shoulding is a play on the word $hi#ing.

Your partner needs their perspective acknowledged and validated, not obliterated.

When you say, “I’m feeling angry,” it accomplishes two things: It allows you to express your feelings, which is an absolute necessity in relationships, and It communicates your current state of being to your partner without the use of insults.

The truth is, you have a lot to say. Furthermore, for the health of your relationship and for your own satisfaction, it’s important you say it. For whatever

reason, you’ve decided, probably unconsciously, that saying nothing has a larger payoff than discussing how you feel. When this happens, it’s usually because you were either: Shamed for your feelings as a child, or Put in a catch-22 by your caregivers. Let’s look at the consequences of each of those.

When a child is shamed for having feelings, they tend to grow into adults who don’t share their feelings with partners.

You may not have realized that communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. It’s not your partner’s job to bring that out of you, but it is their job to not judge or shame you when you do it.

“These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable for both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”

Satisfying communication requires you to clearly distinguish thoughts from feelings.

Concisely, a thought is something you experience in your head in the form of words and images, while a feeling is something you experience in your body in the form of physiological sensations. You can have thoughts about feelings and feelings about thoughts, but ultimately, they are not the same. Confusing the two creates unnecessary arguments.

I have this idea in my mind that you don’t care about me. I’m feeling sad and afraid about that. I’m not saying it’s necessarily true, but it’s what I experience when you say X and do Y.

“I’m going to share my perspective and experience. I’m not saying you have to agree with my reasons for it—I’ll be open to discussing those. However, I

do firmly ask that you respect my feelings—don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”

Understanding that I was basing my emotional well-being upon other people treating me just how I wanted—after all, they made me feel things—brought me to a fork in the road. Would I continue basing my quality of life on something I had no control over, i.e., what other people said and did, or would I take ownership of the feelings I felt in my own body and learn to handle them in a healthy way?

“What you just did or said reminded me of an unresolved emotional wound, and it’s extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable for me.”

If someone says, “I’m sorry I made you feel upset,” don’t accept that apology.

Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel. “I’m sorry I said mean things to you. That was wrong of me,”