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“I’m just saying it’s a little hard to change when you have a journal telling you who to be.”
But, for the first time, I’m considering how toxic it might be, writing in stone who I am, and who I should be.
As she’s pulling out her camera, she turns to Auden. “You know how I told you I sell my photos online?” He nods. “If I give you a cut, will you edit my pictures?” “Really?” His face lights up. “Hell yeah! You’re the best editor in yearbook, Audee.” Audee? And wait, they’re in yearbook together?
You know that feeling you get when something amazing is happening, like if you try to keep it up for one more second, you might spontaneously combust and destroy everything?
How does he keep doing that? Making me feel more visible than I’ve ever felt, like all my dark parts are glowing golden.
“Carter’s not the most tactful bulb in the toolbox.” I ponder the multiple idioms she just screwed up with that sentence.
“If you say that you’re not the type of person to feel comfortable in this situation, you’re telling yourself how to feel the next time.” “I’m not telling myself how to feel. I’m inferring from how I naturally feel.” “It’s not fair to infer from your first time downtown. Of course you’re uncomfortable. It’s a new experience.”
“I don’t think white people should say the ‘friendly’ version of that word, knowing that somewhere, someone is still using it as hate speech. Doesn’t seem fair to Black people that every time they hear it, they have to figure out whether or not they’re being insulted.” I look at Auden and nearly cry. “Wow, Auden.” “What?” He turns to me, confused. “Thank you.” I’ve never felt this seen by a white friend. I feel like buying him a gift. I feel like hugging him. Hell, I feel like running to the stage, snatching Olivia away from Kendrick, and screaming in her face how good of a guy Auden is. She’d
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Clouds soak up the light, casting a gray ambience over everything. It looks like rain.
She doesn’t understand that she can’t talk about Black people without talking about me too. She doesn’t understand that using the N-word in any context is never a joke. Not for me, it isn’t.
Maybe the only thing I need to remember is my name, who I love, and what I love about life. That’s all Hattie remembers. Maybe that’s all that matters.
“I want you to be able to celebrate our differences. I need you to be aware that our differences will get us different outcomes in life. And I need you to know that just because I don’t fit into your stereotypes, that doesn’t mean I’m any less Black.”
My smile widens. It grows and grows, like a plant that you water every day, like a scar that heals from patience, like the time you take to make sure you feel okay.

