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“Quinn, you’ve always been beautiful. You know that.”
“I can’t focus when you’re here. Because being around you is so . . . When we talk, I feel like you see parts of me that I never knew existed. And I haven’t even thought about Matt since we went to Houston together. And you were right. He’s definitely been jealous after seeing me with you, but I can’t seem to care about that because . . . of you.”
“Quinn?” he asks when I don’t speak or look at him. “What’s going on, baby?” Baby? Don’t do that to me.
“Home is not a place. Home is in here.” She pats her hand over her heart. She says, “Don’t you fear, I’m right here.”
I wasted so much time living in fear that I thought I was comfortable, but I was writhing in a cage that I didn’t know existed, making lists of all my worries with no intent to do anything about them.
I didn’t think I’d fall for you.
She doesn’t understand that she can’t talk about Black people without talking about me too. She doesn’t understand that using the N-word in any context is never a joke. Not for me, it isn’t.
REASONS I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU You made a home in my head, and no matter how many evictions I send, you won’t leave. I don’t ever want you to leave. Imani won’t stop asking about you. Olivia won’t stop talking about you. And I can’t keep my eyes off you. I can always sense when you’re near. My energy shifts to make room for yours. Not even your journal could answer all the questions I have about you.
BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUS, AND I’M OBSERVANT You haven’t written in your journal since you got it back. I’m sure having so many people read your deepest, darkest secrets ruined it for you. I’m sorry. You’re happy now. I can see it. You’re glowing. You know exactly how sexy you are. Don’t front.
And you know how weak in the knees I get when you smile at me. You should exploit that more. You bite your bottom lip when you’re trying to contain yourself. I just wonder what would happen if you didn’t try to contain yourself anymore.
“Bring it. I got all the time in the world for you.”
“I didn’t know you. The only thing I knew was that you were beautiful.”
There are things about me that you won’t get from reading my journal.” “I know, Quinn. Like I said, I want to get to know all of you. Not just what you thought was interesting enough to write on your lists.”
“She’s not my type, like, at all.” “What is your type?” “You.”
“I want you to be able to celebrate our differences. I need you to be aware that our differences will get us different outcomes in life. And I need you to know that just because I don’t fit into your stereotypes, that doesn’t
mean I’m any less Black.”
I wanted you to myself today. I’m excited for our date after this. I’ll give you the exclusive tour of the east side.” I watch his eyes sparkle as he lists all the places he wants to show me, and I feel so lucky to have the chance to know him. To know him better.
Kissing Carter feels like I’m right where I need to be. Like everything happened just so that I could end up here, free of lies and fear and guilt, with friends who understand and respect me, and a boy who isn’t perfect, but who’s patient and whose light shines over all my darkness. Like finally.
