Excuse Me While I Ugly Cry

by Joya Goffney

“I can’t focus when you’re here. Because being around you is so . . . When we talk, I feel like you see parts of me that I never knew existed. And I haven’t even thought about Matt since we went to Houston together. And you were right. He’s definitely been jealous after seeing me with you, but I can’t seem to care about that because . . . of you.” When I look up, his face is devastatingly blank for a long time, until his lips slowly crack a smile. “Did you just confess your feelings for me, Quinn Jackson?” I blink down to my lap, stunned at myself. “I think maybe I did.”

He says that like he’s not clearly the problem. I look at him in his simple white shirt and black shorts, those studs in his ears. Damn, he’s fine.

“What do you want, Quinn?” “I want to kiss you.” My eyes bulge. Did I just say that out loud? God, this bursting is getting out of control. But he doesn’t question it. He doesn’t hesitate. He says, “Okay,” and leans in, grabbing my chin. My heart stops. “So do it.”

Like swimming in the ocean, when all the water’s trying to get inside of you, and you’re afraid that it just might succeed.

He looks at me and smiles. “Okay.” He digs deeper. “I’ve never had a girlfriend before you.”

He rolls his eyes. “Don’t start crying.” “I’m not.” “I can see it in your eyes. Come here.” I lean in. “I would love to spend time with both of you.”

Because everything is not perfect. I used to be good at lying to myself, but not anymore.

I feel full for the first time in months.

“Quinn?” he asks when I don’t speak or look at him. “What’s going on, baby?”

Please come here,”

I don’t move. I want to, though. I don’t want to be mad at him. I want him on my lips. But I know I shouldn’t want that.

I crumble. My ribs crack. I pick up my phone and text Livvy: I need you.

I felt like I had life in the palm of my hand, like I couldn’t die, not when I wanted to live as much as I did in that moment. Not when I loved life that much.

“I have to get raw and naked with you.” He hurries to clarify, “Not physically, but emotionally naked, like I forced you to get with me.”

I was scared, but I didn’t fight. I let it carry me. And after a while, the water hugged me, cradled me, and lifted me up to the surface. When I was able to breathe, my heart was racing, and I felt more alive than I ever had.

Brave enough to take responsibility for the lies I’ve told.

“Home is not a place. Home is in here.” She pats her hand over her heart. She says, “Don’t you fear, I’m right here.”

Then she said she loved me. It’s been more than a year since I’ve heard her tell me she loves me. I told her I loved her too and left feeling fractured and healed at the same time.

I didn’t think I’d fall for you.

She cares. I didn’t know she cared. No matter how much she hurt me, there will always be a hole in my heart for her.

Mom takes in Alorah’s tribal print dress, abundant cleavage, bangles for days, dog hoop earrings, and a vibrant hair wrap tied around the back of her head, her massive pile of curls coming out of the top. Alorah does a twirl as my mom gives her praise. She truly is beautiful. She looks like a queen.

Everything between us was real.”

When I told you that I don’t care about you or your future, that was a lie.

When we were on our way to Auden’s house, and I said that I wasn’t into you like that. I was definitely into you like that.

Then she grabs Carter’s hand. He follows his sister down the stairs. Looking over his shoulder, he says, “Bye, Queen.”

I can always sense when you’re near. My energy shifts to make room for yours.

You’re happy now. I can see it. You’re glowing.

And you know how weak in the knees I get when you smile at me. You should exploit that more.

“I love, love, love you so much, and I hope you never question that.”

All I do is cry

I’m the girl who learned to stand up for herself. I’m the girl who faced all her fears.

as the ashes of yesterday’s fears rise high in the sky.

wasn’t your biggest fan at the time.” “But that didn’t change the fact that you wanted to—” “Smash?” He laughs. “Hell no. I mean, I wasn’t blind.”

“I was a little surprised, but it was nothing compared to reading your sex fantasies. You put so many details in . . . you should write erotica.” I laugh. “Okay, never mind. Next topic.” “I’m serious! You could make a career out of that.”

He calms down, then he croons low in my ear, “What’s your next question, bae?”

HELLURRRRR

“What is your type?” “You.”

I smile, riding the wave of a thousand butterflies.

I want you to be able to celebrate our differences. I need you to be aware that our differences will get us different outcomes in life. And I need you to know that just because I don’t fit into your stereotypes, that doesn’t mean I’m any less Black.”

but it’s gorgeous. She’s gorgeous.

“Yeah,” I say, losing myself in the warmth of his neck. “Carter Bennett, release her this second. If you mess up all my hard work, I’ll kill you.”

LMAOOO

My smile widens. It grows and grows, like a plant that you water every day, like a scar that heals from patience, like the time you take to make sure you feel okay. So big and so bright.

Kissing Carter feels like I’m right where I need to be. Like everything happened just so that I could end up here, free of lies and fear and guilt, with friends who understand and respect me, and a boy who isn’t perfect, but who’s patient and whose light shines over all my darkness. Like finally.