Excuse Me While I Ugly Cry

by Joya Goffney

“The only reason I brought up Carter was because I know for a fact he’s not the one doing this to you.” “How do you know?” “Because that idiot’s had a crush on you since he started going to school at Hayworth.”

AHHH THE GIGGLE I JUST LET OUT

“You know, Quinn, I’ll never understand why white people fight tooth and nail to be able to say that word. I just don’t see the appeal.”

real

“Quinn, you’ve always been beautiful. You know that.”

There are enough closed doors and glass ceilings in the world. My comfort zone shouldn’t be one of them.

But I guess, all this time, I’d forgotten about that piece of me that was brave.

“Home is not a place. Home is in here.” She pats her hand over her heart. She says, “Don’t you fear, I’m right here.”

I wasted so much time living in fear that I thought I was comfortable, but I was writhing in a cage that I didn’t know existed, making lists of all my worries with no intent to do anything about them.

She doesn’t understand that she can’t talk about Black people without talking about me too. She doesn’t understand that using the N-word in any context is never a joke. Not for me, it isn’t.

period

Maybe the only thing I need to remember is my name, who I love, and what I love about life. That’s all Hattie remembers. Maybe that’s all that matters.

I get to school and spot Carter waiting for me in the parking lot. A defiant smile breaks out across my face. I can’t wait to tell him the news. When I get out of my car, he looks me up and down, his lips parting. “Damn.” Then he catches himself. He clears his throat. “Sorry. Uh, let me get your bag for you.”

REASONS I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU You made a home in my head, and no matter how many evictions I send, you won’t leave. I don’t ever want you to leave.

“And make sure you have time, because I have a lot to say.” He smiles, licking his lips. “Bring it. I got all the time in the world for you.”

“She’s not my type, like, at all.” “What is your type?” “You.” He lets that word stir me up. Then he says, “Obviously.”

“I want you to be able to celebrate our differences. I need you to be aware that our differences will get us different outcomes in life. And I need you to know that just because I don’t fit into your stereotypes, that doesn’t mean I’m any less Black.”

but if I don’t give myself this chance to explain my pain, then it will always be that way. And I’m so done with letting pain take the wheel. Now it’s time to let love drive.

“Hey, Carter.” He barely pauses. “Move!” He swerves past her to get to me. “Rude,” she gripes, heading over to Auden.

AGGHH I LOVE HIM

Then he meets my gaze. “Queen Jackson, I am not worthy.”

Kissing Carter feels like I’m right where I need to be. Like everything happened just so that I could end up here, free of lies and fear and guilt, with friends who understand and respect me, and a boy who isn’t perfect, but who’s patient and whose light shines over all my darkness. Like finally.