He Who Fights with Monsters (He Who Fights with Monsters, #1)

by Shirtaloon

“It’s no yellow wood,” he told himself, “but I guess it’s time to Robert Frost this thing.”

Taking the footwear out of his inventory, he discovered it was a pair of sandals. Although the thick grass was pleasant underfoot, Jason still put them on. That left him standing naked except for a pair of sandals. “I think I might hate this place.”

It wasn’t the worst he’d ever felt. The worst was after eating one of his Great Aunt Marjory’s casseroles, which led him to taking up residence in his parents’ bathroom for ten hours. For all her efforts to push Jason into the waiting arms of the Lord, the closest she came was food poisoning so bad, it had him praying for death.

“The way you made them disregard you as a threat by appearing weak and harmless,” Gary praised. “Feeble and helpless, even touched in the head a little. It was masterful how impotent you came across. Even after you kept escaping from the cage, they had no respect for you as a threat whatsoever.” “Please stop complimenting me,” Jason said.

He stood up and pulled the shirt from his inventory, discovering it was a plain, white T-shirt, complete with what looked like machine stitching. Holding it out in front of him, he read the text printed on the front. I WENT TO A MAGICAL ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AND ALL I GOT WAS VAST COSMIC POWER. Jason shook his head. “This must be what insanity feels like.”

“Wait, carry me?” Jason said. “That doesn’t sound very dignified.” The others turned to look at him and he looked down at himself. The filthy skin and clothes; the stains from blood, muck and sweat. The ridiculous shirt. Then there was the smell that all the sweating had turned from bad to egregious. “Never mind,” he said.

“There’s a volcano essence? That definitely sounds better than mine.” “That depends,” Gary said. “Farrah’s not great when it comes to sneaking.” “That’s because she has volcano powers,” Jason said. “Everyone else has to do the sneaking.”

“Affliction specialists usually don’t have abilities that will hit hard and fast. That gives them a harder time with what most people consider the easy fights,” Rufus said. “As a trade-off, they become more and more dangerous the longer a fight goes on. They have endurance. An enemy others will exhaust themselves fighting, an affliction specialist can fight multiples off at once. It isn’t an easy path, though. It requires good judgement to avoid losing a fight before you really get going.”

“Are you saying your world’s better than mine?” Jason asked. “We have magic,” Gary said. “We have internet porn,” Jason said.

Mostly, diamond-rank adventurers are mysterious figures pursuing goals known only to them.”

“What if that stone unlocks some power that gets his combination on the restricted list?” “You know they’re lenient on people who discover new things,” Gary said. “They can’t blame him if even they didn’t know.” “It’s an awakening stone of apocalypse,” Rufus said. “That’s a pretty big hint.”

Hiram had been looking askance at Jason as he recited sinister spells and drained the residual life force from the monster. “Did you just say you were harvesting death?” Hiram asked. “It’s just the incantation for a spell,” Jason said. “You sound like an evil farmer.” “You didn’t even see my evil trowel.”

“Did you really name your familiar Colin?” Gary asked as they walked. “Yeah, I told you that,” Jason said. “You should have given it a more intimidating name, like ‘Devourer’ or something.” “Gary,” Jason said, “it’s a bloodthirsty apocalypse monster. It’s intimidating enough.”

“So how long has it been since the last monster surge?” Jason asked. “Eleven years.” Rufus said. “It’s never exactly ten years,” Farrah said. “It’s been as little as eight or as many as thirteen. The last few have all come pretty late.”

Do you have aristocracy in your world?” “Sure,” Jason said. “We’re slowly phasing it out in favour of wealth-based oligarchy, but it’s still around.”

“Pressure’s good,” Gary said. “Makes you strong.” “In moderation,” Farrah said. “This time last week, he didn’t know magic existed, let alone adventurers.”

“What an unusual man,” Russell said. “I thought he was fun,” Gabrielle said. “I thought he was on drugs,” Guy said. The other two looked at him, then nodded. “That would make sense,” Russell said. “Will that be a problem for his membership?” Gabrielle asked. “No,” Guy said. “If we banned that kind of thing, we’d have to kick out half the alchemists.”

“When you’re just a face in the crowd, then you can hold an ideal without being required to live up to it.

Like anyone, I liked to think of myself as someone who would stand tall under the pressure. Now I’m really under it, standing up is harder than I thought. I have my own values, from my own world. They’re the only thing I was able to bring with me. And sometimes, most times, it feels like this world wants to eradicate them. But if I let it, then what do I become?”

“I never abdicated my moral responsibility to an absentee sky wizard in my world, and I’m not doing it now that the wizard’s shown up to enforce it.”

Vomit spewed out of him and he fell to his knees, coughing up more before toppling onto his side, unconscious. “Is he alright?” Jory asked. “For Jason,” Gary said, “this is actually pretty good.”

“I’m an affliction specialist,” Jason told Vincent as he continued to chip away. “We don’t do speed. We do inevitability.”

“Why not hire a heidel from the livery stable? That’s what most adventurers do.” “They creep me out,” Jason said. “They’re like a horse, except horribly, horribly wrong.” “I don’t know what a horse is, but why do you think heidels are creepy?” “They are creepy.” “There’s a leech monster that lives inside you, and you think heidels are creepy?”

If he shows up, feel free to stick it to him. Just do what you normally do to people.” “What do I normally do to people?” “Confuse them until they want to punch you in the face.”

“She wouldn’t have done that,” Clive said. “Lying is one of the core sins of her religion.” “She isn’t a member of the religion,” Jason said. “She’s the object of it.”

“So, my body is the same thing as a monster’s, just with a soul to stop it from breaking down.”

What about you, Mr Asano? What are you looking for in a woman?” “Evil genius,” Jason said casually. “Evil genius?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “Why not? Smart, confident, assertive, driven. What’s not to like?” “The evil?” Cassandra ventured. “That could be a problem long-term,” Jason acknowledged. “Maybe what I need is a naughty genius.”

Oh yeah, I found religion, which is kind of a big deal. I didn’t join, but I found it.

“I don’t want to go accusing anyone of being evil.” “Very fair.” “I feel compelled to ask, though,” Humphrey said. “Jason, are you evil?”

“Losing is acceptable; failing to escape is not.”

“Let's just keep our distance,” Jason said. “I'm not sure I can be around that much wealth inequality without going on a socialist rant.”

“She knows when you’ve been naughty,” he mused. “She brings gifts, apparently.” Halfway back to the group, Gabrielle wheeled around and stormed back to Jason, waving a finger in his face. “I don’t know what a flirty Santa Claus is,” she scolded, “but my goddess definitely isn’t one.” “Does she have a big temple to the north where elves make toys?”

“Come on, Jory. Where’s your sense of adventure?” “Where’s your sense of self-preservation?”

“A responsibility isn’t just a responsibility so long as it’s convenient,” Jason said.

“She died as well as any of us could ask. Comrades behind her, enemies in front of her and friends beside her.”

Vision is getting blurry from tears over this line. So not cool.