The Night of Many Endings

by Melissa Payne

“Well, it challenged me to see that we are each the sum of our experiences and that every decision we make, every experience we have, leads us to this single moment in time.” She pointed to the floor for emphasis. “If all of our moments are important, then I wanted to use mine to help others, because you never know how it will all add up.”

“I think that my purpose is to give to others, to help in whatever way I can. And if it adds to their moments and experiences, if it shows someone who doesn’t think they’re worth it that someone thinks they are”—she worked her jaw, glanced at Lewis, but he’d pulled back into his coat—“then maybe it makes one of their moments just a little bit better.”

God made so many different people, so why wouldn’t he have made lots of paths to understanding, too, you know?”

“Why do you need to save everybody else to have purpose?”

Lewis rubbed at his soggy eyes and wished he could tell the librarian that she was right. But he had lived too long and knew too much, and so he said nothing.

She was afraid she took after her mother more than she’d ever liked to admit. That she’d allowed the smallness of her world to make her small too.

thinking, as she often had, about the night at the library. They’d all let something control their lives. And for Nora it had been her fear that if she didn’t hold on tight enough, fight hard enough, sacrifice enough, she’d lose Mario. Yet none of it had mattered. Mario’s battles were his own.

When Nora was younger, she’d learned to stuff whatever was on her mind so deep inside it disappeared. She’d realized how easily her thoughts could affect the people she loved.

“Because he believed in purpose, too, and he was always looking for it.” She cleared her throat. “Maybe you’ve just been looking in the wrong places, Nora.”

She’d had to push away the little girl inside who argued that she didn’t deserve to be happy when Mario was hurting or dead.

“You came for answers, right? He’s moved on with his life. Maybe you need to see that so you can do the same.

This wasn’t her battle, it wasn’t her fight, and it wasn’t her place to make sure he stayed sober. And that was okay. It was okay for her to let him survive on his own. And it was okay for her to live her own life while he did.

“Galene, the goddess of calm seas.

“Your purpose isn’t to save the world, Nora, or to save Lewis or me, or Mario for that matter. It never was.” “Then what is it?” She could barely get the words out because her throat had closed over a lump. Marlene touched her face. “To be you.” “I’m not sure I know who that is,” Nora whispered. Marlene just smiled and laughed. “Nobody does. That’s why we have each other.”

This American Life. So it was on a snowy mountain day (much like in the book) when I was listening to the December 28, 2018, episode called “The Room of Requirement” that I first heard about the Brautigan Library. It’s a different kind of library that offers unique and interesting stories from aspiring writers and was inspired by the twentieth-century American author Richard Brautigan and his fictional library where all manuscripts had a home.

Barber published two books, Richard Brautigan: An Annotated Bibliography and Richard Brautigan: Essays on the Writings and Life, and several essays about Brautigan.

Mr. Albert Helzner,