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But they don’t give boys like me and Dante pencils or pens or spray paint. They want us to read, but they do not want us to write.
My love for him is silent. There are a thousand things living in that silence.”
There’s a world out there that’s going to make you feel like that you don’t belong in this country—or any other country, for that matter. But in this house, Ari, there is only belonging. You belong to us. And we belong to you.”
“Mom, why didn’t anybody tell me that love hurts so much?” “If I had told you, would it have changed anything?”
Ideas won’t kill you.
I did want to kiss that guy.
Maybe there should be a more beautiful word for a woman who was going to have a baby.
“Yeah, I’m laughing on the inside. You’re relentless.” “I taught you that word.” “Yeah, you did.” “And now you’re using it against me.”
God, I wanted to kiss him. And kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. I was going fucking nuts. Did people lose their minds when they loved someone? Who was I? I didn’t know myself anymore. Shit.
“And you want him to be straight.” “Yes,” he whispered. I couldn’t stand to see the tears running down his face. “Yes, Ari, I want him to be straight.” He sat up on his bed, covered his face with his hands—and cried. Dante and tears. I sat next to him and pulled him close to me. I didn’t say anything. I just let him sob into my shoulder.
People say that love is like a kind of heaven. I was beginning to think that love is a kind of hell.
I didn’t want to be ashamed. And yet, the word “shame” was still a word loitering in my body. It was a word that clung to me, a word that didn’t leave easily.
It’s amazing the capacity we have to lie to ourselves.”
I thought he was only going to teach me how to swim in the waters of this swimming pool. Instead, he taught me how to dive into the waters of life.
I was depressing myself. I was good at that. I had always been good at that.
I KEEP THINKING ABOUT DANTE and the cartographer thing. Making a map of the new world. Wouldn’t that be something fantastically, amazingly beautiful? The world according to Ari and Dante. Dante and me walking through a world, a world nobody had ever seen, and mapping out all the rivers and valleys and creating paths so that those who came after us wouldn’t have to be afraid—and they wouldn’t get lost. How beautiful was that?
One day you’re going to fill these pages with words that come from you. I have a feeling that you will have a long relationship with words. Who knows? They might even save you.
Mom says I have to learn how to love myself—which is a strange thought. Loving yourself seems like a really weird goal. But, hell, what do I know?
But if I carry Dante’s name with me, he will be the torch to light my way in the darkness that is Aristotle Mendoza.
I just keep picturing you in a hospital room, your smile almost hidden by the bruises those guys left on you. They thought you were just an animal they could kick around and even kill. But I think it was them—they were the animals. When will we all get to be human, Dante?
But there was a difference between the art of running and the art of running away.
God, I had a dirty mind. I was going straight to hell.
I live in a confusion called love.
Sometimes I had beautiful words living inside of me and I just couldn’t push those words out so that other people could see they were there.
“Oh, Ari, let your sisters love you. Let yourself be loved. For all you know, there’s a long line of people wanting you to let them in.”
“Thanks,” I whispered. “I’m not very good at loving people. And Mom said I should let myself be loved.” Vera flicked my knuckle with her finger. “She’s right. And you know, Ari, it’s not that difficult to love you.”
It was like living in a world of make-believe. And the world I lived in now was getting bigger and bigger.
was a part of the desert and all things beautiful. And when the rain arrived, it would pour down on me, and I would become a part of it. I imagined Dante kissing me in the rain. And we would not be afraid of the storm. And he and I would sit there until we learned the language of the rain. And on my map, I would name that place Lugar de los Milagros. The Place of Miracles.
Maybe that’s the antidote for falling for a guy like me.” “I don’t need an antidote. I don’t happen to have a sickness.” I do, I thought. I’m as love-sick as you can get.
I mean, they were my parents, right? I always thought I was sort of invisible to them. But it was the other way around. It was they who were invisible to me.
Dear Dante, All I can think of is you. All I can think of is what it will feel like sleeping next to you. Both of us naked. What you will feel like as I kiss you and kiss you and kiss you and kiss you. And I’m so scared. I don’t know why I’m so scared. I’ve never been so excited or so happy or so scared. Are you scared too, Dante? Please tell me that you’re scared.
‘You’re every street I’ve ever walked. You’re the tree outside my window, you’re a sparrow as he flies. You’re the book that I am reading. You’re every poem I’ve ever loved.’ ”
He rubbed the sunscreen into my chest and shoulders and stomach—and I laughed because it sort of tickled. “I love you, Aristotle Mendoza,” he whispered.
and all the broken hearts that had learned to beat in their brokenness.
“Just because you don’t think that you’re anything special doesn’t mean I agree with you.”
Dante was quiet for a long time. “You jumped in front of a car so that car wouldn’t run me over—and because you did that, you saved my life. That. Is. A. Fact. And, Ari, that fucking fact isn’t ever going to go away.”
And I held him. And I whispered his name. And I fell asleep holding him.
Yes, it was true that words could lead to understanding. But they could lead to misunderstandings, too. Words were imperfect.
His question was soft and kind and I pressed my head to his. “In my head.”
And besides, it’s impossible to be lost when I’m with you.”
We started splashing each other, and then I found myself holding him as he shivered. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” he said. He leaned into me.
I was having a dream, and I must have been screaming, because Dante was shaking me awake. “It’s only a dream, Ari. It’s only a dream.” I leaned into him. “It was about my brother. I’ve had that dream before. It’s like it doesn’t want to leave me alone.” “You want to talk about it?” “No. I don’t—I can’t—I can’t talk about it.” I let him hold me. Even though I didn’t want to be held. “It’s getting dark,” I said. “I already started the fire.” I looked at him. “I’m a quick study.” “Look at you. Dante, the Boy Scout.” “Shut up.”
Dante reached for me. He kissed me. “Do you mind if I undress you?” It reminded me too much of the time he’d washed me with a sponge when I couldn’t move my arms or legs. But I didn’t want to live in that time or in that moment, so I found myself saying, “No, I don’t mind.” I felt him unbuttoning my shirt. I felt his fingers on my skin. I felt his kisses. And I let go. I just let
I was trying to learn what it meant to really listen, because I hadn’t ever been a very good listener. I was too in love with what I was thinking. Way too in love with that.
you think you can talk your way out of anything.
Same
Life wasn’t a nightmare—but it wasn’t a good dream either.
everyone’s life is sacred.
“I swear I could choke that woman. I could choke her and go in front of a judge, and in all honesty and sincerity, I would plead justifiable homicide. And I am absolutely certain I’d get an acquittal.”
You know, Ari, she’s like this flame in the night and it doesn’t matter if a wind or a storm comes along, because no storm is strong enough to snuff out the flame that is my mother.”
“Dante, one day you’ll be that flame. Maybe you are that flame already.”
