Any Way the Wind Blows (Simon Snow, #3)

by Rainbow Rowell

Simon’s mouth is hanging open. “No,” he says. “I mean . . .” He reaches out a hand but doesn’t touch me. “What I mean is, as soon as I turned against the Mage, I left the map. It was like I walked right out of the story everyone had been telling about me. I started losing, and I didn’t stop. You felt like something I grabbed on my way down—but I never believed I’d get to keep you. I didn’t get to keep anything . . . What did I get to keep, Baz?” Simon is crying, too, but he doesn’t wipe his tears. Just licks away the ones that hit his lips. “I didn’t try,” he says, “because I thought it would be worse if I tried. I told myself to enjoy it—you—while I could. But that didn’t work. It felt like eighth year again, waiting for the Humdrum to attack. The waiting . . . I’m not good at waiting.” I rub my nose against my sleeve. I nod. I know. “I just wanted to, like, make it happen,” he says. “To like, charge into it and get it over with. Whenever we were together, I just wanted to get it all over with.” I laugh again. The hits keep coming. Simon shoves his hand up into the front of his hair and pulls. “Stop,” he says. “I know how that sounds. That’s not how I mean it!” “No.” I shake my head. “I know. I know how you mean it. It still hurts.” He looks in my eyes. He’s hardly looked away. “Baz”—his voice is small—“do you think it would have been different if I’d tried?”