the words i wish i said: by caitlin kelly

by Caitlin Kelly

they can’t hear the demons taunting you in your head and they can’t feel your heart weeping

confidence is a nightmare to insecure men.

i’m really really good at lying i’ve been telling people “i’m fine” now for four years

they keep saying it will get better but when?

god dammit why is my mind so full of thoughts

it’s like i’m alone but i don’t want anyone i’ll push everyone away i can’t deal with anyone i can’t do it i don’t wanna be here

numb, i can’t feel my emotions my body my heart, i act like it’s there like i’m fine but honestly my own brain is confusing me.

they all ask me where do you see yourself in ten years? i honestly don’t know because a year ago i wouldn’t see myself here.

if i “needed you” like you keep stating to everyone then how come i was alive way before you came in my life and i was able to smile before i was told i was beautiful

i’m not sure what love is cause my mind has fooled me before,

but after all this, i’m not sure you’ll want me anymore.

you fall in love like how you catch your breath, slowly then all at once, and you don’t realize you’re in love until it leaves you once again.

oh honey. you keep falling for the boys that believe love is just a word.

you can’t force or convince anyone to love you. they’ll figure it out themselves.

they say that if it’s meant to be then they’ll come back, contrary i believe if they really loved you then they would never have left.

every tear out of my eye has your name on it.

please tell me it will all be okay

how’d i end up so lonely again?

don’t give up on me i could be what you need

i keep on having this recurring dream, that i see you in the distance and naturally i start walking to you. and as i get closer and closer i make eye contact with you and i fall down, this deep hole… then i wake up. the last image in my head in the morning is you watching me fall so helplessly down this hole, screaming and shouting. and you watch my with no expression, and no sense to help me. - maybe it foreshadowed something?

i’m not the girl they’ll ever need. i’m just the girl they’ll waste their days with until the right one comes around. i’m just the girl they’ll leave when things get hard. i’m just the girl to pass their time.

the cuts i lay upon my thigh and arms aren’t even a little pain that i’m feeling in my head. most times i wonder why i haven’t killed myself yet.

i’m strong you’ve never seen me weep even after all this and that’s because as soon as you walk away i’ll be weeping harder than you’ll ever know, but i’m strong enough to hold it in so it will never hurt you.

it’s been four years and i still don’t want to be here

i’m starting to think i’m going insane and to escape the thoughts of him are only if i blow my fucking brains out.

twinkle twinkle little star let me get hit by a car jump off a roof and try to fly oh god i wish i could die twinkle twinkle little knife help me end this wretched life.

i carve lines and act like i’m fine.

i feel like i exist in your life for the attention you crave and the gap of loneliness to fade

you only loved me when i was weak because it made you feel better about yourself.

why were you able to move on so quickly if i was the one you loved?

you’re probably more in love with the memories than the person you created them with.