Ace of Spades

by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé

Belle always smells of vanilla, with a hint of something even sweeter. It makes me want to drop everything and be unscientific about this. I want to be unscientific about this … so bad. But what if I test out this theory and it isn’t correct? What then? “Are you okay?” Belle asks, looking worried now. “I’m confused, trying to work out whether we are friends or not.” I surprise myself as the truth just slips out. Belle looks a little hurt by the statement, but I didn’t mean it the way it came out. “I thought we were.” “What if I don’t want to be friends?” I don’t want to say the rest out loud. “You don’t want to be friends?” Belle looks really hurt, which makes my body feel like heated explosions are going off all at once. “I don’t.” Belle nods and puts the toothbrush down. “Okay, that’s fine,” she says quietly, before walking past me. I think I want her to leave, stop confusing me, but at the same time, I don’t want her to go. I want her to stay and let me explain. “I think I like you in a non-friend way … I-if that weirds you out, you can go,” I say, stumbling over some of my words. I look down, and even though I can’t see her, I know she’s still in the room. I didn’t hear the door close. I keep going. “I just don’t think I can be friends with you if it weirds you out or if you don’t feel the same way—for now at least. I was friends with Jamie for ages, and I always wanted more … I don’t want to repeat that again,” I say without taking a breath. This is embarrassing. Clos...