The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

making some sort of bullshit metaphor? To make a political point?” “That’s what it looks like. This whole floor is a racist political cartoon, telling the universe how shifty the Krakaren and the Plenty are. Borant has been very vocal about this for a while now. They say the Plenty are selling everybody this technology just so everybody will become addicted to it. But one day they will take it all away, and that will, somehow, allow their overlord, the Krakaren, to I don’t know, absorb the entire universe. It’s a bit ironic if you ask me, considering how Borant are actually using the tunneling technology to spew their hate everywhere.”

“No,” I said. I started pulling large, metal pieces from my inventory as the others started attaching the chains to the cart. “No, I’m not sure. But nobody else was coming up with any other ideas.”

“They’re laying the story on a little thick,” Donut grumbled. “I mean, really. Are we supposed to be cosplaying as terrified commuters now? Do I look like someone who would use public transportation?”

“Goddamnit, Donut,” I said. “Go to a different position and leave her alone.”

“And I thought she was getting better after all that business with Growler Gary,” Katia said. “That is better,” I said. “You should hear her talk about cocker spaniels.” “Oh, I have,” Katia said. “She’s told me all about your next-door-neighbor’s dog, Angel.”

She met my gaze, her dark eyes boring into me. Despite her disturbing appearance, I could see why Zhang had a thing for her. There was something there, deep and alluring. But also terrifying. She had an I-might-murder-you-at-any-moment-but-it’ll-probably-be-fun-for-both-of-us aesthetic.

She did not talk often, but when she did speak, it was usually to point out an obvious flaw in my plan. Both Li Jun and Zhang were too timid to tell me if I was full of shit. Donut wasn’t, but she rarely had an alternate plan. Katia often had good ideas, but she was prone to second-guessing herself to the point of letting me bowl right over her. I could tell right away Li Na would not suffer any fools, and if she opened her mouth, everybody around her paused to hear what she had to say. We would never work well together as a party. Not after this, not if we wanted to remain friendly with one another. It’s not that I didn’t want to work with someone like her. In fact, I probably needed more people like her around me. I thought she was pretty cool, but I could tell she was quickly getting irritated with me.

“It’s there,” Donut said as she peered into the escape tunnel. The noodle. “It’s just hair and quivering skin covering up the hole. It’s disgusting. It looks like one of those guys whose pants doesn’t cover his butt. Like when your smelly friend used to come over and play video games while you two lied about your exploits with women. What was his name? Monobrow Sam? Really, Carl. I don’t know why you had such revolting friends.”

“Fuck yeah,” I said. I turned to Li Na and held up my hand. “High five.” She just looked at me. “If I touch you with my hand, you will experience excruciating pain throughout your entire body that will cause you to lose control of your bladder and bowels.” “Okay, then,” I said. “Moving on.”

“Carl,” he said. “I should have known such a colossal fuck-up could only be perpetrated by such a colossal dolt.” “Hello, Prepotente,” I said. The goat creature screamed, suddenly and unexpectantly, causing me to almost jump out of my skin. There was no reason for it. “What the hell,” someone muttered behind me. Prepotente went on as if nothing had happened. “Oh, hello, Donut,” he said, brightening. “Well met. You are even more delightful in person. I’ve been wishing to meet you for some time now. We are two of a kind, you and I. From what I understand we’re the only two remaining Earth creatures in the dungeon who have gained true sapience. I was so very disappointed to learn you’d obtained access to the Desperado Club and not Club Vanquisher. I do wish to share a brandy with you some time and to discuss our unique circumstances. Now, Carl. Is that other one with you? The murderer? If so, then there are five of the top ten here all at once. That must be a first.”

“Gentlemen,” Imani said, appearing next to me. “Both of you put your dicks away. We don’t need this right now.” “I could kill you,” Prepotente said. He said it to Imani. “I could crunch on your bones and glory in the sound that they made when they splintered.” “Bitch, what?” Imani demanded, her demeanor changing on a dime. He screamed.

“I will kill you tonight as you sleep,” Prepotente said to Miriam as he rubbed his head. I saw, then, that he had human-like fingers, though his fingernails were long and curled and black. Whatever change he’d undergone to make him intelligent was different than the one Donut had undergone. “No you won’t, sweetie,” she said. She reached over and kissed the goat on the top of the head where she’d whacked him. “Do it again,” he said a moment later. “It still hurts.” “Only if you’re a good boy. And apologize to those two.” He nodded solemnly and looked down at us. “I’m sorry I wanted to murder you.” “Good Pony,” Miriam said and kissed the goat on the head.

Note added by Crawler Tin, 21st Edition> I have noticed something quite curious. The gods and goddesses are Soul Armor. So when the aliens inhabit the bodies of the gods, they do so like the Intellect Hunters, the Scree, and the Valtay. The aliens are wearing the gods like clothes. That means they can, in theory, be removed with a successful cast of any spell designed to remove biological armor, such as Take That Shit Off and Laundry Day. You’d have to first defeat the invulnerability, of course. Plus it won’t hurt the gods, who will revert to their programing, natural state, whatever you wish to call it, and who knows what’ll happen to the aliens who were driving them. But if you need a god to do your bidding, it might be in your best interest to first shed it of its off-world influence. I have noticed that the aliens are quite unpredictable in their manner.

closed out the chat. I turned to the others. “The plan has changed.” “To what?” Li Na asked the same time Katia said, “Uh oh.” “Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out as we go.”

“People thought I was on that ship, but my brother had already brought me into the dungeon.” He laughed. “Like I’d be stupid enough to be vulnerable like that. You gotta try harder next time, worms. The Maestro ain’t going down that easily. Oh, and rest well, mom.”

I hope you said your prayers and brought the lube, because you about to get fucked from here to eternity.

Have you ever gone to one of those buffets? One of those absurdly-cheap, all-you-can-slop-into-your-gullet affairs? The price is suspicious. The instant mashed potatoes taste like they’re cut with sawdust. The meat is gray. The surrounding neighborhood is awash with missing cat flyers.

A whole page of notifications scrolled by. “Glurp, glurp, motherfucker,” I said before I collapsed in an exhausted heap.

“What, exactly, are we doing here?” Elle asked. She floated just off the ground. She couldn’t normally fly as high or as fast as she’d just done. She’d wasted a precious scroll on the maneuver. I promised her I’d find another and give it to her. She’d laughed and kissed me on the cheek.

I thought of my own mother, who’d attempted to kill my father and then herself as a goddamned birthday present to me. She’d only half succeeded.

I thought of everybody here with me now. They’d all jumped into certain death, just to save me. Me. I couldn’t have survived without them. All my life, I’d felt alone. And now, at the edge of the apocalypse, I finally realized how much I needed other people.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Donut,” I said as I reached up and scratched her. “You risked yourselves, and you risked the cart.” “I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?” “No,” I agreed. “You most definitely are not.”

Here’s the thing. These poor bastards are just as much victims as we are. Not just the NPCs, but the mobs, too. That doesn’t mean don’t kill them. Hell, I realized something today. Killing them is actually the best thing we can do for them. But you know what I also realized? All of you, all twenty-four of you who have come before me? You’ve all failed in one thing. If we’re really going to burn this place to the ground, we need to actually do it and not just talk about it. We need to start killing them, too. I don’t know for sure how to do it yet, but I’ll come up with something. They will not break me. Fuck them all. They will not break me. But I will break them. This is my promise to myself, to my friends, and to you, anyone who reads these words. I will break them all.

“I hope it covered the amount you lost sponsoring Hekla.” Odette did not skip a beat. She waggled her finger at me. “Oh, we’re not talking about that, buddy. That was my husband, not me. He’s still sleeping in the skiff for that one. I don’t run the finances for the crab ranch.” The audience laughed. “But I do want to talk a bit about that whole affair with Hekla. That really was something.”

This is where I, again, beg you to please, please do me a solid and leave a review on Amazon. We live and die by our reviews. It is important. Even if you’re like that asshole Jed who left me a one-star because I swear too much, please just leave a goddamned review. Also, eat me, Jed.