The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

Limp Richard – Mole Man. Level 36. This is a Non-Combatant NPC. Mole men and mole women actually just call themselves “Men” and “Women,” and quite frankly, it’s exhausting. These losers spend most of their days and nights reading. What a bunch of nerds.

The lights to the room dimmed. Music started playing. It was cheesy, 1970’s-style game show music with trumpets and keyboards and percussion music in a disco beat. Colored lights flashed. Mongo stopped howling and jumping and rushed to Donut’s side. We all stood from the kitchen counter. All except Mordecai whose frog face had suddenly taken on a stony expression. “Carl, what’s happening?” Donut asked. “Probably something stupid,” I said.

Do you remember the circus? That was fun, wasn’t it? You’re hurting me. I know, honey. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

And that was when the spider ghoul, the one Donut had killed, turned from an X back to a red dot. It lunged forward and grasped the small, furry gremlin. It ripped the mechanic’s head off in one, smooth motion and started to devour his body. The whole thing happened in less than a second. “Well that’s going to be a problem,” I said.

Donut: I DON’T LIKE THIS LADY. SHE’S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO IS REALLY MEAN BUT DOESN’T THINK THEY’RE MEAN.

“There are many wonders in a cow’s head.” “Indeed,” Eva said.

I’d been expecting people to selfishly hold onto them just in case there was one last trick, or so they could sell them later, but that’s not what happened at all. People worked together. They coordinated. They spread the word. In twenty minutes, I had over 700 of the hats piled in front of me plus another fifteen colored-line keys that would also work for the portals. It was enough, for now. Hopefully it’d remain that way. Yes, I thought. There is hope for us. Not a lot. But it’s there.

“Spoiler alert, Katia,” Donut replied. “It’s always going to end with an explosion.”

All my life, I’d felt alone. And now, at the edge of the apocalypse, I finally realized how much I needed other people.