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December 11 - December 15, 2025
Until then, enjoy the ride and mind the gap.
New achievement! I’m on a train!
These losers spend most of their days and nights reading. What a bunch of nerds.
You are one of the first five crawlers to have achieved 500 trillion followers! People sure love a good train wreck. Wink.
New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.
Entering The Royal Palace of Princess Donut.
I knew, philosophically, that only having to sleep for two hours was a good thing. It gave us more time to train and to get things done. But I dreaded the idea of not being able to get into a bed, close my eyes, and not have to worry about anything for six to eight hours. That was it, wasn’t it? Sleep was my sanctuary. No matter how fucked-up the world now was, I could still get away for part of the day. Now, that luxury was being eroded. Sure, our bodies would no longer be tired. But what about our brains? We were already well past burnout. What was going to happen now?
While the number of crawlers are still in the acceptable range, we are all concerned about early extinction. That does not mean we will be letting up. So quit sucking. It’s as simple as that.
Note: This message is from a deceased crawler. When you close this message, the crawler will be removed from your message list. Hey, at least you’re still kickin’.
New achievement! Martha Stewart! You used a workbench to craft for the first time. The next thing you know you’ll be fashioning bottlecap earrings, drinking oat milk, and selling your ugly crap on Etsy while you wax poetic on Instagram about your “journey.” Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Crafter’s Box!
Mordecai’s Special Brew A potion designed by a shifty Changeling who has a tendency to kill those who count on him the most,
else want to try something?” Elle shouted. “You come for Donut or Carl, you come for all of us. I will freeze the blood in your veins and make your genitals shatter like glass!”
“Can you please stop shouting,” Donut said. “It upsets Mongo.” Mongo squawked in agreement. Carl: Now you know how I feel when you type in all caps. Donut: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING, CARL.
“Let’s try to loot his corpse without getting electrocuted and then go get some pho. I need to rest before I can handle any more excitement.”
When you left the TV on the old person channel, and I got stuck watching Matlock all day, it was the same help-I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up ad every commercial break.”
“I think my fans should have a name, wouldn’t that be great? Like the Princess Patrol or something.” I grunted. “How about the Donut Holes?”
“So they took a whole floor’s worth of mobs and strung them out?” Katia asked. “That seems… overly complicated.”
“I don’t understand a word of what the fuck you just said.” The robot sighed. “I apologize, Carl. Let me translate it to earth monkey speak. The mudskippers are cheap bastards who have built this entire crawl with spit and duct tape and items they have purchased at the equivalent of an interstellar swap meet. Everything is built with very little regard for system security and is done as cheaply as possible. The fact it hasn’t yet broken down or bitten them in the ass is a testament to the very real existence of the concept of ‘dumb luck.’ Do you understand now?” I gave the robot a thumbs up.
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We used an AI consultant who has consumed all of your media.” “Well then you got ripped off.” “We got a discount because Borant started the season early, before the AI could complete its scan. It insists its knowledge is adequate and accurate.”
there’s nowhere to sit down and have a breakdown in here.” We all just looked at each other and started to laugh. There was no reason to laugh. None of this was funny. But we laughed. We laughed long and hard. It didn’t make sense. None of this made sense, but we were alive, for now at least, and we had each other, and that was something.
New achievement! Mentally Unstable Clothing Hoarder! You have over 500 of the exact same, stackable clothing item in your inventory. What the hell is wrong with you? You planning on opening a thrift store? You might want to see a shrink. One that your group doesn’t immediately kill. Reward: We don’t reward this sort of behavior. It’s weird.
Bloom was the kua-tin political party that ran Borant.
They’re going to make your chats public starting tomorrow for people who pay extra.
“So you need Growler Gary,” he finally said, looking down at his own hand.
Nobody was on the tracks on this line, so the worst that could happen was it went off prematurely. Or it didn’t go off at all. Or I caved in the line. Or I killed myself.
On top of that, some crazy asshole who doesn’t want everybody to think he’s a crazy asshole is throwing a train full of explosives in our direction. So, you know. Typical day.
In stage three, this mob’s form has changed, and it bears very little resemblance to its original self. Kind of like how all you humans did after you finally got out of quarantine.
And as Doctor Ian Malcolm once famously said, Life, uh, finds a way.
“You can’t rely on somebody else’s goodwill to keep you supplied.
This whole floor is a racist political cartoon, telling the universe how shifty the Krakaren and the Plenty are.
There was something there, deep and alluring. But also terrifying. She had an I-might-murder-you-at-any-moment-but-it’ll-probably-be-fun-for-both-of-us aesthetic.
Dude! Where’d you go? You are invisible for 30 seconds.
I thought of everybody here with me now. They’d all jumped into certain death, just to save me. Me. I couldn’t have survived without them. All my life, I’d felt alone. And now, at the edge of the apocalypse, I finally realized how much I needed other people.
“I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?”
They will not break me. But I will break them. This is my promise to myself, to my friends, and to you, anyone who reads these words. I will break them all. - Crawler Carl, 25th Edition of The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook
