The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)
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Read between September 29 - October 16, 2025
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New achievement! I’m on a train! Choo Choo, Motherfucker.
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“Do you really think people are going to hunt us?” Donut asked. “I don’t like the idea of not being able to trust people. It gives me anxiety.”
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I immediately opened the box, and it contained a nice pair of unenchanted pliers, a standard tape measure, and a bucket of pink glitter. Not a vial of glitter. Not a cup of glitter. A goddamned bucket full of the stuff.
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“That was the worst prize ever,” said Donut.
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“My views have never been higher. I have almost ten billion followers. It was almost nothing until I joined your team.” “Oh you precious thing,” Donut said. “It’s great, it really is, but those are rookie numbers. I have over 700 trillion.”
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Donut beamed. “We’re going dancing tonight! It’s dirty Shirley time!”
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“You will not be lobbing balls at me, Carl,” Donut said. “My word. Do I look like a cocker spaniel to you?”
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Hello, Crawler. As you’re about to find, this is a very special book. If you’re reading these words, it means this book has found its way into your hands for one purpose and one purpose only.
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Together, we will burn it all to the ground.
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“Mongo and I have a psychic bond, Carl. You’ve never been a mother, so you wouldn’t understand.”
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“Why did you take the head, Carl? That’s gross,”
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And when I say “a lot longer,” I mean until the end of your lifetime. So like a week or more.
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To save you distress, I’m not going to tell you where this came from. That was a lie! It’s a baby corpse!
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“Excuse me?” Donut said. “Did you just call me fat?”
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“Besides, do you really think you can climb that chain? It’s quite long. Mongo will be ready to graduate college by the time you get up there.
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Donut: I DON’T LIKE THIS LADY. SHE’S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO IS REALLY MEAN BUT DOESN’T THINK THEY’RE MEAN.
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“We should go into the Bitches and Penis Parade strip clubs to see if anybody is in there,” Donut said. “Plus I’ve always wanted to see a naked man dance around. One with better moves than that one weird guy who always came over when you were gone. He used to dance in the mirror and stare at himself and call himself a king. He’d put your socks on his wang and twirl them around in the mirror.”
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“When someone has given up, they no longer care about the consequences of their actions. That can be dangerous.”
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I think it’s good for the Princess Posse to get some culture in with their daily Donut fix.
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I laughed. “Nobody is starting a harem.” “No, I suppose not,” Donut said. “You couldn’t even keep one woman interested.”
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“Was Hekla a professor, too?” “No,” Katia said. “She was Eva’s psychiatrist.”
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Katia: It was like a little bee sting. No big deal. There was a head on my spike, but I pulled it into my inventory. Also blood. It lets me add liquid to my inventory if it’s in my scoop. There’s a new tab called “Gross shit.”
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“You tried to kill Katia you fucking bitch!” Donut cried. She blasted a full-strength Magic Missile right into Hekla’s face.
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“You tried to kill Katia,” Donut yelled. “I saw it! You used invisible arrows! I thought she was your friend! We don’t shoot our friends!”
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“You know, it’s no wonder you were always so poor. There’s a fine line between being helpful and being a dumbass, Carl.”
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“They’re laying the story on a little thick,” Donut grumbled. “I mean, really. Are we supposed to be cosplaying as terrified commuters now? Do I look like someone who would use public transportation?”