The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

When triggered, it will play a Very Loud song. And by Very Loud, I mean Norwegian Black Metal loud. You may program the song at a Sapper’s Table. If you do not or are unable to pick an alarm tone, a random, culturally-important song from the past US Billboard Hot 100 will be chosen.

I will freeze the blood in your veins and make your genitals shatter like glass!”

“Oh, it was but a trifle,” Donut said. She licked her paw, as if it truly was nothing. “A poor crawler thought he could keep up with me, and I accidentally had to rip his throat out. Honestly, I barely remember the incident. I did have a cherry or two too many. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have training to do.”

That was ominous.

Admin Notice. Congratulations, Crawler. You have been sponsored! Viewers watching your feed will now occasionally see advertisements produced by your sponsor.

Sponsor’s Name: The Valtay Corporation. Additional details available in the Sponsorship Tab of your interface.

“I think my fans should have a name, wouldn’t that be great? Like the Princess Patrol or something.” I grunted. “How about the Donut Holes?” “Don’t be crude, Carl.”

“What was that, bitch? I didn’t quite get that last part,” I said.

Once lit, a fire is easier to stoke than it is to extinguish. Remember that. Fuck the snakes. Fuck the rats. Fuck them all. One day they will all burn, and while I’m certain I will be long dead, I will laugh. I will laugh long and hard, and I will be waiting for them on the other side of the veil where not even the vast expanse of stars or time will withhold my wrath. If you are reading this, friend, I pray you will join me. Side by side we will exact our revenge.

You will not break me. Fuck you all. You will not break me.

“Glurp, glurp, motherfucker,”

Our Mistress Tiatha is as useless as tits on a goose.

Here’s the thing. These poor bastards are just as much victims as we are. Not just the NPCs, but the mobs, too. That doesn’t mean don’t kill them. Hell, I realized something today. Killing them is actually the best thing we can do for them. But you know what I also realized? All of you, all twenty-four of you who have come before me? You’ve all failed in one thing. If we’re really going to burn this place to the ground, we need to actually do it and not just talk about it. We need to start killing them, too. I don’t know for sure how to do it yet, but I’ll come up with something. They will not break me. Fuck them all. They will not break me. But I will break them. This is my promise to myself, to my friends, and to you, anyone who reads these words. I will break them all. - Crawler Carl, 25th Edition of The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook