The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

New achievement! I’m on a train! Choo Choo, Motherfucker. Reward: You’ve received a Train Conductor’s Souvenir Hat! Wear it with pride!

These losers spend most of their days and nights reading. What a bunch of nerds.

“Holy shit,” I said, laughing. The last I’d seen Mordecai, he’d been a stunningly-handsome Incubus creature. He was now about five feet tall, and he’d been transformed into a mud-colored, warty, slimy toad-looking thing, complete with hanging jowls and a throat pouch under his wide face that looked as if it could fill with air. I examined his new properties.

Mordecai – Grulke Infantry. Level 50. Manager of Crawler Princess Donut

They are hunted ruthlessly by the tunnel trolls, who like to capture and lick them. Not because they impart any sort of hallucinogenic effect. It’s just that tunnel trolls are weird-ass fuckers.

New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.

You have bought a home! It’s every man’s dream to someday own a place where he can fap in peace.

“I think my fans should have a name, wouldn’t that be great? Like the Princess Patrol or something.” I grunted. “How about the Donut Holes?” “Don’t be crude,

Elle: Drugs. This octopus lady has them all addicted to opiates. Painkillers. They’re called Rev-up Vitamin Shots. They’re called shots, but you drink them.

Fire Brandy – Lesser Demon MILF. Level 75. Fire(wo)man of the Nightmare Express. This is a non-combatant NPC. A single mother’s gotta eat!

Once a pregnant Lesser Demon falls into labor, her delivery usually lasts about sixty days. During these two months, she has a litter of 15-18,000 babies, delivering one approximately every five minutes, non-stop.

That is horrific

Only one in 10,000 Lesser Demon babies are viable. The rest rarely live more than a few seconds. Their corpses shrivel and harden, becoming a valuable resource called Sheol Bricks.

This train is running on dead babies. Holy crap that’s fucked up.

Kept A Rollin’ You’re driving a train! Holy shit! Reward: I’m pretty sure the act of driving a train is a badass-enough award.

To save you distress, I’m not going to tell you where this came from. That was a lie! It’s a baby corpse!

“You see, Maggie, she’s more hot-headed than I am. She wants to fucking kill you and your cat. It’s not your fault. I know that. You defended yourself. You did the same thing I would’ve done if the situations were reversed. But Mags, she don’t see it that way. She’s more biblical with her thirst for vengeance.”

“You got this in a box?” “Yes,” he said. “And now it is yours. Got it for fighting a family member while I entered the dungeon. A legendary ‘That’s the Spirit’ box or some shit like that.” “Fighting a family member?”

That was why Maggie had killed her own daughter. She was in pain from the explosion. She wasn’t going to heal. The pain wasn’t going to stop. Not as long as I was alive.

The robot sighed. “I apologize, Carl. Let me translate it to earth monkey speak.

The mudskippers are cheap bastards who have built this entire crawl with spit and duct tape and items they have purchased at the equivalent of an interstellar swap meet. Everything is built with very little regard for system security and is done as cheaply as possible. The fact it hasn’t yet broken down or bitten them in the ass is a testament to the very real existence of the concept of ‘dumb luck.’ Do you understand now?”

“Princess Posse?” I asked. “Zev says that one seems to be winning out, no thanks to you. Some are going with the Donut Holes, which I do not approve of.”

Carl: If anything happens to me, question everything. Donut: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Carl: Just watch that one, okay? And keep an eye on Hekla, too. I know you like her, and so do I, but I don’t think she likes me too much. She might let me get hurt if it will help her team.

“Okay,” I said out loud. “We’ll help. Just don’t get me killed so you can have Donut all to yourself.” Eva’s mouth tightened. Hekla laughed. And at that moment, I saw it. It was just a glimmer in the normally stoic woman’s facade, but it was there. She’s having fun. She likes this. She’s as crazy as the rest of us.

“I just realized you’re the only boy here,” Donut said. “All these people, and there’s only one penis. You could start a harem. Like the guy on that Sister Wives television show.” I laughed. “Nobody is starting a harem.”

Carl: Donut, be cool. This doesn’t have to turn into a fight. She was trying something, and whatever it was, it didn’t work. We don’t want to fight her. “You tried to kill Katia you fucking bitch!” Donut cried. She blasted a full-strength Magic Missile right into Hekla’s face.

“You’re going to get us killed one way or the other, Carl. It might as well be for a good cause,” Donut said. I grunted. “Well they do say I’m crazy.”

Gwendolyn Duet: The bomber guy warned all of you dumbasses. Fall back to the train lines. Hold them at the choke points. Ronaldo Qu: He didn’t say it would happen this bad. Gwendolyn Duet: Are you on crack? This is exactly what he said was going to happen. It’s literally the exact thing he warned you about. Now clear the chat. Ronaldo Qu: Fuck you bitch.

“We gotta get back there,” I said. “If I don’t see you, take care of those babies, okay?” The demon woman didn’t answer. She just nodded and returned to her fire.

“Why is it every time there’s a big explosion, you immediately think I had something to do with it?” “Because it usually is you,” she said. “She does have a point, Carl,” Donut

There was something there, deep and alluring. But also terrifying. She had an I-might-murder-you-at-any-moment-but-it’ll-probably-be-fun-for-both-of-us aesthetic.

“Fuck yeah,” I said. I turned to Li Na and held up my hand. “High five.” She just looked at me. “If I touch you with my hand, you will experience excruciating pain throughout your entire body that will cause you to lose control of your bladder and bowels.” “Okay, then,” I said. “Moving on.”

“No you won’t, sweetie,” she said. She reached over and kissed the goat on the top of the head where she’d whacked him. “Do it again,” he said a moment later. “It still hurts.” “Only if you’re a good boy. And apologize to those two.” He nodded solemnly and looked down at us. “I’m sorry I wanted to murder you.” “Good Pony,” Miriam said and kissed the goat on the head.

You will not break me. Fuck you all. You will not break me.

A framed graphic of my face splattered into the air. The words Death Challenge! Stamped onto my face, with blood running from the words.

It’s the death of a celebrated crawler, Crawler Carl, brought to you live! Who will be the lucky monster to kill him? Who will it

The world remained frozen. In my periphery, far beyond the edge of the trainyard I saw movement. It was Donut astride Mongo, galloping full-tilt toward us.

The second portrait was that of Grull. He was a black-skinned, overly-muscular minotaur-like beast, but with a horse’s body. A centaur with the head of a big, pissed-off bull complete with a golden ring in its snout. He held a smoking, double-headed axe.

Warning: This is a deity. He is invulnerable on this floor. This god has been involuntarily summoned to this location. Summoning rules apply.

I hope you said your prayers and brought the lube, because you about to get fucked from here to eternity.

Carl: Goddamnit, Donut. I’m fucked. Go. Get out of here before he sees you.

“Carl,” Brandy said as I stepped off the train. “I understand now. I understand what this is. You must help us. I know you have your own people to help, but we shouldn’t be enemies in this.” “No,” I agreed. “No, we shouldn’t.”

“If I never see another train again, it’ll be too soon,” Elle said as she went down the stairs. “See you guys on the other side.”

Here’s the thing. These poor bastards are just as much victims as we are. Not just the NPCs, but the mobs, too. That doesn’t mean don’t kill them. Hell, I realized something today. Killing them is actually the best thing we can do for them.

“Does anybody know what this new one is called? I forget.” Multiple voices shouted their answers. Odette laughed. “That’s right. That’s right. Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie Goes to Market.”