The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

“How long is the time out?” “It’s for seven days.” “Seven days!” I exclaimed. Holy shit. That meant we’d only have a day and a half left on this floor when he came back. “Goddamnit.”

oh shitttttt what did this mfer do to mordecai???

I was just doing what his manager told me to do. If I hadn’t done it, he’d have died. And then we’d all have lost her. We’d have lost Odette. When he comes back, tell him I said I’m sorry. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret it.”

ooooooh what this hoe do????

“Jesus,” I muttered, ignoring Donut’s comment. Was it really his motorcycle? Or just a facsimile? I felt as if I couldn’t breathe.

jesus why are they always traumatizing carl like this 🤣🤣

Book. The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook by Anonymous. This is a unique item. Chicken and Goblin recipes galore! But it’s more than that, too. Each recipe is accompanied by a hilarious tale by the anonymous author, recounting some of the zany and madcap misadventures they experienced gathering these mouth-watering recipes. Fun for the whole family! This book is a real hoot. Yep, I thought. You done fucked up.

OPE WAY TO GO CARL

Hello, Crawler. As you’re about to find, this is a very special book. If you’re reading these words, it means this book has found its way into your hands for one purpose and one purpose only. Together, we will burn it all to the ground.

LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO

You must become an actor. Every recipe, every secret, if utilized, must be presented to the outside world as if you are discovering this all on your own. How you do that is up to you. Do not spend too much time staring at these pages.

carl better start channeling his inner donut

I’d grown to rely on him, sending him queries every time I ran across something I didn’t recognize. We were going to have to suck it up and figure out the rest of this floor without him.

trueeee time to nut up or shut up

The entire front of her was covered in blood. A human crawler lay dying on the floor, blood geysering from a slash across his neck. A moment passed, and the man went still. A single skull formed, appearing after Donut’s name.

oh nooooooo donut who tf tried to murder u??? rude

She started to sob. “Carl, I never wanted to get a skull. I’m sorry. Nobody is going to like me now.”

awwwww poor donut

I let go, and the severed head dropped to the ground, mouth still open wide. “What was that, bitch? I didn’t quite get that last part,” I said.

LMFAOOOOO PLZ CARL

I think I can make traveling spikes, so monsters using their hands will impale themselves on me. I just need to keep practicing. When I do it really fast, it feels like I’m breaking my own bones. It’s hard to explain the sensation.”

jesus christ

“This is like getting an electric litterbox for your birthday. Indeed it’s useful. But it’s a litterbox for goodness sake. I was hoping for something with a little more pizazz.” “First off, that’s what Bea asked for,” I said. “I don’t understand how someone can get pissed for receiving what they asked for. Second, that thing was like 300 bucks.

lmfaoooo donuts always got a smart ass comment for carl 🤣

“Wait,” I said. “So when they have the Krakaren manufacturing drugs and giving it to the pooka to distribute to everyone else, what they are really doing is making some sort of bullshit metaphor? To make a political point?” “That’s what it looks like. This whole floor is a racist political cartoon, telling the universe how shifty the Krakaren and the Plenty are. Borant has been very vocal about this for a while now.

jesus christ

My invulnerability, I thought, as I was also pulled into the portal. I couldn’t feel his hand because my foot is numb. How fucking ironic.

omfgggggg carl wtffff

A whole page of notifications scrolled by. “Glurp, glurp, motherfucker,” I said before I collapsed in an exhausted heap.

HAAAAA!!!!

“You’re right,” I said. I looked up at the ceiling. “That had to be really embarrassing. I bet even the mom would’ve done a better job. Too bad she died instead of him.”

bro 😭😭

I thought of my own mother, who’d attempted to kill my father and then herself as a goddamned birthday present to me. She’d only half succeeded.

jesus christ carl has some baggage galore

“You shouldn’t have done that, Donut,” I said as I reached up and scratched her. “You risked yourselves, and you risked the cart.” “I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?” “No,” I agreed. “You most definitely are not.”

AWWWWWW

I didn’t have all the information, but I did, and would always, remember Odette’s first piece of advice. Don’t trust anybody until you know their motivation.

reallllll