The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

These losers spend most of their days and nights reading. What a bunch of nerds.

They are hunted ruthlessly by the tunnel trolls, who like to capture and lick them. Not because they impart any sort of hallucinogenic effect. It’s just that tunnel trolls are weird-ass fuckers.

New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.

Literal Fire Ants. Level 1. This is a trap monster. Like regular fire ants, but with more enthusiasm. Plus they hate you and want you to die. They’re pretty good at making that happen.

We shouldn’t avoid conversations just because they’re uncomfortable.

Hello, Crawler. As you’re about to find, this is a very special book. If you’re reading these words, it means this book has found its way into your hands for one purpose and one purpose only. Together, we will burn it all to the ground.

Reading the words of those who have come before me, I know them. You, reading this. I know you, too. You are me. That is who this book finds.

But more importantly, there is no shame in wanting to protect those who are your hive, even if you never knew them. For they are yours, and they are being taken. It is us or it is them. There is consolation in dying in the pursuit of justice, no matter how small or big that death is.

Carl: Donut, be cool. This doesn’t have to turn into a fight. She was trying something, and whatever it was, it didn’t work. We don’t want to fight her. “You tried to kill Katia you fucking bitch!” Donut cried. She blasted a full-strength Magic Missile right into Hekla’s face.

“Holy shit, Donut,” I said, scrambling forward. She’d cast Second Chance on Hekla’s corpse, and then she’d cast Clockwork Triplicate on the minion, creating three Heklas. It was brilliant. It was fucked up, but it was brilliant.

We all just looked at each other and started to laugh. There was no reason to laugh. None of this was funny. But we laughed. We laughed long and hard. It didn’t make sense. None of this made sense, but we were alive, for now at least, and we had each other, and that was something.

He nodded. “Okay. What will you be doing?” “We have some more friends who are trapped all the way at the end of the line. We’re going to save them. Each and every one.”

Carl: Thanks, Mordecai. Mordecai: Now don’t you even dare think about… I closed out the chat. I turned to the others. “The plan has changed.” “To what?” Li Na asked the same time Katia said, “Uh oh.” “Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out as we go.”

“Li Na is really mad at you about this,” Donut said. “She called you an idiot.” “That's because I am an idiot,” I said. “I've never denied it.”

I hope you said your prayers and brought the lube, because you about to get fucked from here to eternity.

“Glurp, glurp, motherfucker,” I said before I collapsed in an exhausted heap.

“Another floor ending with a big explosion,” Katia said after the train disappeared. “Spoiler alert, Katia,” Donut replied. “It’s always going to end with an explosion.”

“You shouldn’t have done that, Donut,” I said as I reached up and scratched her. “You risked yourselves, and you risked the cart.” “I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?” “No,” I agreed. “You most definitely are not.”

CRIESSS

They will not break me. Fuck them all. They will not break me. But I will break them. This is my promise to myself, to my friends, and to you, anyone who reads these words. I will break them all. - Crawler Carl, 25th Edition of The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook