The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

New achievement! I’m on a train! Choo Choo, Motherfucker. Reward: You’ve received a Train Conductor’s Souvenir Hat! Wear it with pride!

“Why does she always type in all caps?” Katia whispered as I peered out the window. “Is it because she’s four-legged?” “No. It’s because she’s Donut.”

Drek. Level 6. Everybody loves babies, right? What kind of asshole doesn’t love babies? How about demonic, ravenous, berserking babies who travel in packs of at least 50? It’s rumored these lil’ rascals can devour a full-sized elephant down to the bone in less than five seconds. And you’re a lot smaller than an elephant.

You are one of the first five crawlers to have achieved 500 trillion followers! People sure love a good train wreck. Wink.

🤣🤣🤣

New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.

Omg at least the AI likes Carl

You will not break me. Fuck you all. You will not break me.

Hello, Crawler. As you’re about to find, this is a very special book. If you’re reading these words, it means this book has found its way into your hands for one purpose and one purpose only. Together, we will burn it all to the ground.

Well shit just got real

The real Katia is still there. They can cut everything else off, but you’re still you. Don’t let them break you. No matter what they do. Okay?”

I don't trust her, but at least Carl is a decent person

Donut leaped from my shoulder to hers. “When I killed that guy, I didn’t mean to do it either. But he had it coming, and Hekla had it coming even worse. She was going to kill you.”

I love how kind Donut can be

“It’s too bad about that crossbow,” I said. “Oh, you mean this?” Katia asked, and the massive, repeating crossbow formed in her hands. Holy shit. She’d done it. She’d looted one of the most powerful weapons in the game. My anger fled. “Katia, I am going to kiss you.” She laughed. She sounded just as exhausted as I felt. “Not without taking a shower first you’re not.”

I didn't trust hee, but she has grown on me. Thank goodness! Because they are a great team

We have a group of twelve people now. We have been saved, again, by you. I have come to pay my respects.”

So many people owe Carl

“What if we figure out how to save the people without using the hats? Can I sell them, then?” I laughed. “Absolutely,” I said.

Freaking Donut 🤣

We all knew. While this would never be “home,” this space was just for us and only us. The three of us. I grinned. “My dad once made me sleep in a tent in the yard because I had a nosebleed that wouldn’t stop.” “Miss Beatrice once used scissors to get poop off my butt,” Donut said. “Uh huh,” I said. “Once?” “We’re having a moment here, Carl. Don’t ruin it.”

I just stared down at the ring on my finger. I didn’t want to take it off. “So the faction wars winner always has one of these?” He smacked me, then. Thwap, right on the side of the head.

Mordecai is so done 🤣😆

Gwendolyn Duet: The bomber guy warned all of you dumbasses. Fall back to the train lines. Hold them at the choke points. Ronaldo Qu: He didn’t say it would happen this bad. Gwendolyn Duet: Are you on crack? This is exactly what he said was going to happen. It’s literally the exact thing he warned you about. Now clear the chat. Ronaldo Qu: Fuck you bitch.

Carl is now the bomber guy! I love it

“Holy shit, Carl,” Elle said after a minute. “You crazy sonofabitch. I think your stupid idea worked. Let’s go check it out.”

Everyon calls him crazy yet his ideas always work

“Fucking hell, Carl,” Elle said, floating up. “Did you do that?” “Why is it every time there’s a big explosion, you immediately think I had something to do with it?” “Because it usually is you,” she said.

FACTS

Carl: Holy shit I have a glorious idea. Mordecai: No. Carl: You don’t know what it is yet. Mordecai: I don’t care what it is. If it’s a Carl idea, it’s probably a brilliant idea that’s going to get you killed. Donut told me about how you captured the Nightmare train. I bet you thought that was a glorious idea, too.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Carl: Gotcha. One more question. After he’s summoned, how long before I can summon again. Can I summon him again right away?

Carl: Thanks, Mordecai. Mordecai: Now don’t you even dare think about… I closed out the chat. I turned to the others. “The plan has changed.” “To what?” Li Na asked the same time Katia said, “Uh oh.” “Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out as we go.”