The Charm Offensive

by Alison Cochrun

He feels the pressure of it weighing down on him, and before his generalized anxiety turns the corner into full-blown panic attack, he runs through his coping strategies: three deep breaths; count to thirty in seven languages; tap out the Morse code for “calm” thirteen times on his knee.

He would like the record to show he does not fuck things up on purpose. He would very much like to be a not-fucking-things-up sort of person. If he were that sort of person, he wouldn’t be the new star of a reality dating show.

“And who knows,” Maureen says cloyingly. “Maybe you’ll even find real love by the end.” He won’t. That’s the one thing he knows for absolute certain.

So, like, not quite Walt Disney’s vision.

the sweetness that caught Dev off guard when Charles fell out of the town car. All the men who come on this show are handsome. None of them have ever been sweet.

He gives Charlie a breezy smile. “I know I can make you fall in love.”

Between scenes, Dev pulls him aside under the guise of fixing his crown. He hand-sanitizes and warns Charlie in advance. “Are you okay?” Dev whispers, his fingers winding through Charlie’s hair.

The waiter blushes and blusters, “What can I do to you? I mean, for you? I mean, get you? I mean—”

“Excuse you, we’re still on that practice date, and I just connected five pieces in a row.” He snaps another puzzle piece into place. “I’m having a fucking incredible time.”

“We made good progress,” Dev says as he slots together a few more pieces. “Emotionally and puzzlely. You know, I think this is the best practice date I’ve had.” Charlie doesn’t tell Dev it’s the best date he’s had, period.

Dev starts tapping a pattern over and over again with two fingers onto Charlie’s shoulder. Charlie watches Dev’s fingers. “How do you…?” He seizes an awkward breath. “It’s Morse code. For ‘calm.’ ”

He kicks the adjoining door until Charlie opens it, half asleep, pillow lines already formed on his cheek from an afternoon nap.

He could cover Dev like a duvet. And that thought—that thought right there—is why Dev needs to have sex tonight.

Dev strutting around, wearing Charlie’s clothes. The sight of Dev in his oversize jean jacket makes Charlie feel… something he can’t quite name.

“That’s a very nice offer,” Charlie says. “But I am currently dating ten women on a reality show, so I will have to pass.”

LMAO

“I have blisters!” “Yes, I know, sweetheart. Come on.”

“I’ll go after mine,” Parisa says. “You stay with yours.”

I don’t love you despite those things. I love you because of those things.”