The Death Club (Dead Men Walking, #1)

by Caroline Peckham

“Where’ve you been? What happened?” I demanded, glancing at that duct tape on his arm again. “I had to help my nephew Kyan out of a tight hole,” he said. “Oh no, did his dick get stuck in someone? That happened to Nasty Nancy once. That’s what she told me anyway. She said the guy had a bent wangle and it got caught around a corner in her vag. Do you think that’s possible? Does your nephew have a bent wangle?”

I breathed as a little pang of jealousy ran through me. Who the fuck is Mary? And why does Hellfire look so beat up over losing her? If he has a side piece – wait, I’m not his main piece. Or any kind of piece. I can’t be jealous. Why am I jealous? Fuck, I am though. I’m all green inside. And I’m gonna slice Mary up the middle and make her scream.

“It was so dark in this house before you came here,” he mumbled. “Did you get new lightbulbs when I arrived?” I whispered, but he didn’t seem to hear me as he went on.

Mateo locked his hands around Niall’s throat, squeezing so hard, his biceps bulged. Oh holy tits, this is premium porn I’m getting for free.

I pulled my lollipop from my lips, he leaned forward and sucked on it too, looking at me as he did so. It was weirdly fucking hot. And that made two lollipops I’d shared now. I wonder if I can get Niall and Mateo to share one…

“That’s for hurting Mateo,” I growled and he bared his teeth at me. He pinched my arm. “That’s for getting involved in that fight downstairs.” I jabbed him in the cheek. “That’s for being a meanie bambini.” He flicked me in the forehead. “That’s for being a crazy daisy.”

Niall the crocodile. Nah, more like Niall the crocodick. Yeah, Croconiall the crocodick. That’s him.

New plan: I’ll kill these motherfuckers then go back and break out Mateo. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Then we’ll run away together like Bono and Claud. I’ll learn the harp and play it on the roadside, busking for money. People will be so entranced by my music they won’t even realise when Dead Man slips his hands in their pockets and steals their wallets. I’ll smile at him with stars in my eyes and he’ll smile back. A real smile - his beard will be gone so I can see it properly. And his hair will be all pushed back like those movie people, and when we steal a car and drive off into the sunset, he’ll kiss the back of my hand and say, “I’d steal the moon for you, baby pie.”

I’m coming, chica loca, and may God help anyone who stands between us.

he grunted, sounding less than pleased about being on team Niall.

“Giddy-up, Mateo!” I cried as I led the way back out into the corridor. “We have a fucked up little damsel to find.”

Cannibal Carol was knocked flying and I flipped her the finger inside my jacket. Eating people was so unhygienic. I only ate the veggies, the fruities and the candies. All the good stuff. Ain’t no one ever gonna get me eating people. Ick.

I’m Brooklyn Meadow, the Bully Butcher, Spider, the little psycho. And today I am death.

I glanced back at Jack, finding him taking his angries out on the rec room, throwing chairs everywhere before starting to punch a wall repeatedly. Aww, he’s so happy when he’s destroying things.

She spasmed beneath me so hard I nearly fell off of her, but I rode that bitch like a mechanical bull. I was made for riding things. It was a freaking gift. Bulls, horses, cocks. I knew I’d be a pro at all the riding things given a chance.

He’s coming for me. My big angry giant is on his way!

As Angry Jack was hauled away to the most heavily armoured bus, my heart yanked me toward him. He could have been a part of my club. He didn’t have a clit, but I’d have made an exception this one time.

Okay, maybe we hadn’t been that close of friends before tonight seeing as he’d forgotten my name, but that was okay. I wasn’t even a hundred percent sure his name was Angry Jack. Like, who would call their kid Angry? It was a mighty coincidence that he turned out to be so angry. Freaking destiny that was.

Or I could pretend to be a snake and casually slither out the front gate after picking up Jack on the way. Oh my god, I’m actually a genius. It’s kinda frightening sometimes.

Were we going to run away together? I’d never had a best friend before. What other kinds of things did best friends do together? Sit side by side on swings? Play chess? Braid each other’s hair? Oh my goddd, his hair would look so good braided. I need to tell him.

My devil, my sinner. My captor, my boyfriend. Hellfire, Dead Man. Niall, Mateo. Holy fucking tits!!!!