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Kindle Notes & Highlights
Sexuality includes, but is about more than, just having sex. It also includes: our capacity for sexual feelings; the kinds of people we’re attracted to and how; and how we identify ourselves and how others categorize us.
also currently reading: Sexuality , a graphics guide
What if the real monsters are not those categorized as sexually “abnormal” and seen as mad or bad but instead are the powerful systems and structures that have imposed such limited ideas of sex and sexuality on all of us over the years, and still do?
Heteronormativity is an example of a patriarchal understanding because it relies on the idea that men and women are inherently different in ways that disadvantage women.
despite the meanings of sex and sexuality changing dramatically over time, women have always been regarded – and treated – as inferior to men. Whether seen as sexually passive or active – as “madonnas” or “whores” – women’s sexuality has been regarded as a problem, and their bodies and expressions have often been altered to make them more sexually desirable and/or to police their sexuality.
The modern form of the sexual double standard expects men to be naturally lustful, whereas women have to walk a fine line between being seen as a “slut” or a “prude”.
sexuality and sexual relationships are intrinsically connected to the economic order, class, and the financial valuing of some labour (male, upper/middle-class) more than other (female, working-class).
Society demands that gay people explain themselves in ways that straight people don’t have to. They have to “come out” because heterosexuality is assumed to be the default. Kids learn that gay people are “different” in a negative way, and bullied for any suggestion they might be gay.
Our sexual identities, behaviours, and attractions can all shift over time. Different experiences can open up different desires and attractions as well as which identities feel like the best fit.
Labels help people make sense of their attractions, feel legitimate, find communities of support, and fight for rights. However, labels can also produce more discrimination, as well as making people feel they have to act in certain ways to fit new norms, constraining them to a fixed identity rather than an ever-shifting experience. It’s worth seeing the value of labels and holding them lightly.
people can be present to their desires and experiences, they can also slow down enough to make intentional, ethical choices about whether or not to act upon them.
consumer capitalism tells us we’re entitled to have what we desire and should immediately act on our cravings. But normal/abnormal models of sex create huge shame and stigma around particular desires. People swing from trying to ignore or eradicate the bogeyman of their desires, to mindlessly acting upon these desires, rather than engaging with curiosity and care for themselves and others.
Removing stigma and shame around sexual desires could help people to look at them with openness and curiosity, determining which they could act on ethically and which not, exploring alternatives such as fantasy, roleplay, and meeting those desires in other ways.
relationships shouldn’t be bound by rules other than those mutually agreed by the people in them.
decolonial love involves ongoing critical reflection on power dynamics and consent. It commits to never treating another person – or yourself – as property which somebody is entitled to, or from whom certain forms of labour are expected.
Because women’s orgasms aren’t deemed self-evident, women are required to demonstrate a spectacular performance. Women have a felt need to show appreciation for male sexual performance whether or not they really experience orgasm, so similar performances accompany “real” and “fake” orgasms.
Tuning into our fantasies can be personally helpful: revealing our key patterns and survival strategies, helping us towards greater self-understanding and self-compassion.
While we can’t choose our sexuality – in the sense of forcing ourselves to conform to sexual norms – we can expand our agency and erotic potentials through the stories we engage with, the communities of support we build around us, and the erotic encounters we explore. This may enable us to experience attractions and desires outside of restrictive norms, and find activities and relationships which nourish us.
