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Forces of attraction and repulsion interacted in complex equations, never stable. Everyone connected like electrically-charged atoms, forming temporary molecules, a tight web of particles with gaps just large enough for me pass through. I
certainty now gave way to a new future of my own making, however ambiguous, I had no right to complain. Having options was a luxury, I reminded myself, even in grief. And deep down, I knew I had options.
Instead I now knew confidence had everything to do with being desired in return: a reciprocated lustful gaze, a gentle touch, a complicit chuckle. It had everything to do with being seen, finally: a sisterly hug, a pat on the back, a father’s confirmation. It had everything to do with the right to do nothing less than exist.
subsequent vanishing had left me with a choice that would rewire my brain for years to come. What do you hang on to when those you love leave you behind? Is it what was taken from you when they left, or what you were able to take from them in the time you had together?
