We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends

by Billy Baker

The following morning, our last full day, we decided to be tourists and go see Old Faithful. As we waited for the eruption on the boardwalk that circles the geyser basin, a bison came uncomfortably close, and we rooted for it to attack the morons who went even closer to take selfies. As for Old Faithful, I won’t give you my impressions of this American icon, though I will say the tourist infrastructure around it made it feel a tad manufactured, as if there were Disney engineers behind the curtain. Instead, I shall give you the Danimal’s review. “D-minus,” he declared as we drove away. “Fucking letdown. All it is is steam. Don’t fall for the bullshit. There’s no huge spooge.” “There was a huge spooge!” I retorted. “That shit wouldn’t have gone over the Green Monster. I don’t know what else I can tell you. The Yelp review is a one.”