We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends

by Billy Baker

One study found that in terms of damage to your health, loneliness was the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

“Since my wife and I have written about loneliness and social isolation, we see a fair number of people for whom this is a big problem,” Schwartz said. “But very often, they don’t come in saying they’re lonely. Most people have the experience you had in your editor’s office—admitting you’re lonely feels very much like admitting you’re a loser. Psychiatry has worked hard to destigmatize things like depression, and to a large part it has been successful. People are comfortable saying they’re depressed. But they’re not comfortable saying they’re lonely, because you’re the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.”

The following morning, our last full day, we decided to be tourists and go see Old Faithful. As we waited for the eruption on the boardwalk that circles the geyser basin, a bison came uncomfortably close, and we rooted for it to attack the morons who went even closer to take selfies. As for Old Faithful, I won’t give you my impressions of this American icon, though I will say the tourist infrastructure around it made it feel a tad manufactured, as if there were Disney engineers behind the curtain. Instead, I shall give you the Danimal’s review. “D-minus,” he declared as we drove away. “Fucking letdown. All it is is steam. Don’t fall for the bullshit. There’s no huge spooge.” “There was a huge spooge!” I retorted. “That shit wouldn’t have gone over the Green Monster. I don’t know what else I can tell you. The Yelp review is a one.”