Disappearing Earth

by Julia Phillips

Near him, she couldn’t think of anything but him. But when they were a little apart she returned to herself, and she liked that woman she came back to. Someone…capable. Someone who maintained standards, who met commitments, who produced results. Someone who would be disappointed in a man who acted the way Max so often did. She should be disappointed with him.

And that as much as she now loved these men’s mouths on her, some part of her wished she could go back.

The story of their marriage: a little love, a little rage, a lot of ocean water.

Everyone looked better at a distance. Everyone sounded sweetest when you did not have to hear them talk too long. After her husband hung up, Natasha skated past her brother at the wall, their mother cleaning her glasses beside him. Loving someone close-up—that was difficult.

“May we get the answers to all our good questions,”

Quietly, into the glass of the window, she said, “Our suffering is fated.”

This world was built for people to suffer.

But now she would live. She had to. It was what she did: live while others could not. There was no pleasure in it.

He was someone who was glad to make love to Nadia in his car by the coastline but stopped picking up her calls after she told him the blood had not come.

It hurts too much to break your own heart out of stupidity, to leave a door unlocked or a child untended and return to discover that whatever you value most has disappeared. No. You want to be intentional about the destruction. Be a witness. You want to watch how your life will shatter.