The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills -- and Leave a Positive Impression!

by Debra Fine

People who excel at small talk are experts at making others feel included, valued, and comfortable.

Number one: Take the risk. It is up to us to take the risk of starting a conversation with a stranger. We cannot hope that others will approach us; instead, even if we are shy, it is up to us to make the first move.

Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation. It is our responsibility to come up with topics to discuss; it is up to us to remember people’s names and to introduce them to others; it is up to us to relieve the awkward moments or fill the pregnant pause.

People appreciate a conversation in which they feel acknowledged, heard, and significant.

Start thinking of strangers as people who can bring new dimensions to your life, not as persons to be feared.

The first step in becoming a great conversationalist is becoming invested in the conversation and actively working to help the other person feel comfortable.

Make it a point to remember the other person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused during the introduction. Repeat the name back in your greeting. Nice to meet you, Debra. To help yourself commit the name to memory, immediately use the person’s name in the conversation. Refrain from thinking about your reply and concentrate on the other person’s name. Focus on the name, repeat it, and then formulate your answer.

Remember, instead of sitting back and waiting for another kind soul to start a conversation, take the lead. Think of it as if you invited that person to your home for dinner. As host, it’s your job to see that your guest is comfortable. The same is true in conversation—try to make your guest as comfortable as possible.

Showing genuine interest is flattering and essential to conversing.

The more interest you show in me, the more interesting you become to me. The simple act of truly being interested in the other person has an amazing effect on the conversation—it just snowballs!

Your mission is to get your conversation partners talking about themselves. Most people enjoy the opportunity to share their stories, and if you give them the chance, they’ll start talking.

The key is to have a genuine interest in what the other person is saying, along with a genuine desire to hear the response. So while you get to be quiet, you do not get to be passive. You must actively participate in the conversation.

It’s critical to maintain eye contact when you are listening to another person.

When talking with people, behave as if there are no distractions in the room.

If you rest your chin in your hand, it appears that you are bored. Likewise, when you place your hands on your hips, you appear aggressive and unhappy with your conversation partner, or with the words you are hearing.

Be aware of what your body language is saying to the world.

1. Learn to want to listen. You must have the desire, interest, concentration, and self-discipline.

Barring exceptional circumstances, avoid these often-controversial topics that can stop a conversation in its tracks: 1. Stories of questionable taste 2. Gossip 3. Personal misfortunes, particularly current ones 4. How much things cost! 5. Controversial subjects when you don’t know where people stand 6. Health (yours or theirs).

There is nothing that makes people feel more special than to have their finer traits noted and appreciated.

You may find that the person you are complimenting has difficulty receiving the praise. He may try to neutralize the compliment by denying it or feel obligated to return a compliment. If that happens, reaffirm your sincerity and move on to another subject.

No matter what your chosen topic of conversation, I cannot overstate the importance of being authentic when talking with someone.

If you truly cannot muster any enthusiasm for the dialogue, you owe it to your partner to excuse yourself and make your way to another approachable person.

Be aware of one of the most prevalent one-upping statements circulating these days: Been there, done that. In one very short sentence, the person uttering those four words is saying that the story is old news, that there is nothing else to say about that topic. It lets the other person know, in no uncertain terms, that his experience is universal and he can spare the rest of us the details of such a boring story.

The interrupter is characterized by high drive, determination to make her point, and a lack of patience.

There are only three good reasons for interrupting. The first is that you need to exit immediately. The second is that the topic of conversation is too uncomfortable to bear, and you need to change the subject right away. And the third is if you are in the company of a monopolizer who has refused to offer you a natural break in the conversation for more than five minutes.

That well-known adage “honesty is the best policy” is really true. It’s important to retain your poise and state your reason for departing courteously. Even if you despised the conversation and are chomping at the bit to leave, be tactful as you go.

Ending a conversation by showing appreciation for the interchange provides an upbeat way to leave on a positive note. Thanking others for their time, expertise, or the sheer joy of the conversation is always welcome. You emanate poise and self-confidence when you bid adieu by expressing your gratitude and praising your partner in some way.

Remember to end the conversation the same way you began it—with a smile and a handshake.

You make a lasting impression when you seal a conversation with a handshake. Just that fleeting hand-to-hand moment enhances the rapport you’ve worked hard to establish.

Because the manner in which you exit a conversation leaves a lasting impression, you want to develop finesse with graceful departures.

people don’t feel listened to if you’re not looking at them.

Listen carefully for information that can keep the conversation going.

Remember, people want to be with people who make them feel special, not people who are “special.”

Act confident and comfortable, even when you’re not.

Spend a few minutes before an anticipated event preparing to talk easily about three topics.

Show an interest in your conversation partner’s opinion,

Be prepared with exit lines. You need to move around and meet others.

Make a positive impression by shaking hands and saying good-bye as you leave.

Express empathy. Everyone is entitled to be listened to, even when in the wrong.

Greet people warmly, make eye contact, and smile.

Use the person’s name in conversation.

Be a good listener.