Olive

by Emma Gannon

Maybe fear really is the only motivator in life.

I guess this is being human: we can never be 100 percent sure about any decision we make.

Becoming a mother is a very, very serious decision, and so is *not* having them.

We made different choices, so it doesn’t really make sense to be jealous. But still, it’s the easiest thing in the world to compare yourself to others—especially

“Why can’t a woman just not want a baby and for that to be the end of it?”

That’s the strange thing about grief—you often have to remind yourself it happened.

I find it so unfair that women have to go through all this palaver. Men don’t have to inject their bodies with all these bloody hormones.”

“Well, you must remember that no decision is ever really the wrong decision. Because it’s the decision you made at the time. Respect your past self and her choices,”

We all have things we are finding hard, and those things might come at different times for each of us. The important thing is, we need to be there for each other. Life isn’t a race.

Sometimes we don’t “know” for sure, and maybe we never will, but we just have to live each day in the way that feels most natural to us.

I don’t think I could put my heart up for risk like that. If you have children, you have no idea what might happen to them. You have no idea who they will grow up to be, you have no idea if they will survive a long life, you have no idea how your relationship will pan out. All of these things frighten me to the core.

I have to admit that I love having the time and freedom to do anything I want to, whenever I want.

Funny how you can get used to things when they are forced upon you.

I don’t want to generalize “about women,” but I do think that we just know when something is up. That female intuition. We have pure gut instinct. We don’t need to ask for an explanation or scientific reasoning. We just know, we get a whiff, and then most of the time we are proved right.

I had made up an excuse that I was working this morning, when really I just needed a lie-in and a lazy “me-time” morning . . . books, bath, moisturizer. There are just some things I’ll never sacrifice, even if I’m in a relationship.

I can be happy and sad. I can be happy for him and sad for the circumstances. I can mourn the past and be excited for the future.

Some people die too young. Some people die old. Some people get what they want. Some people never get what they want. Some people have different priorities, different dreams. Some people change their minds in small ways, some do a total 180. We’re all out here, making up our lives as we go along. There is no “better” path. There is no “worse” path. Each of us tries our very best to get through the weeks, months, and years using what we have and what we were given, and the rest of it is just down to sheer luck.

Leaving something behind isn’t just about having a child who will roam the earth after you’ve gone. A legacy is made up of everything you’ve ever done. It’s everything you leave behind. It’s every choice you make. It’s every person you meet. It’s every feeling you’ve passed on. It’s every story you tell.