Olive

by Emma Gannon

The idea of becoming a mother was something passed down to me—from my mother, and her mother’s mother, over centuries and centuries of social conditioning. It seemed like a no-brainer. Like all the other milestones in the how-to-be-a-person manual.

Compared to my friends, I guess I do feel a bit . . . behind. I think it’s a metaphor for my life.

But we all know the fear that once your friends start to grow their families, you might become less needed and, then, fully redundant.

The beds are never made, the kids’ clothes are always a tinge of pink from

mixed-up washing loads, but her home is one where you can’t help but feel safe and comforted when welcomed inside.

being at home on your own all day can start sending you a bit loopy.

We were welcoming back a whole new Julie with a new set of challenges, but no one ever really said anything.”

“Well, you must remember that no decision is ever really the wrong decision. Because it’s the decision you made at the time. Respect your past self and her choices,” she says, looking me directly in the eye.

The waitress comes over again and takes our empty glasses, placing a voucher for a free coffee on the table. I put it in my pocket. Jacob politely packs up his bag, pays the bill, and then gets up to leave.

no choice is the wrong choice because it’s the one you make at the time with the information you have.

No amount of training can make you become immune to your own open wounds.”

when we were younger, I just never imagined all of these problems. Adulthood looked like the dream.”

I like that she is making it clear that she has a full-to-the-brim life that she loves.

It feeds into the whole “it’s better to regret what you’ve done, rather than what you haven’t done!” theory.

“No you haven’t, Cec,” Bea pipes up. “You’ve just had a baby. You’re allowed to be centering everything around that right now. Isla, I’m very sorry you’re finding things so hard right now, but this day is also really important to Cec.”

your feelings of not wanting a child will never be as important as a woman who desperately wants one but can’t.”

Loneliness can be cured. But it does not compare to the desperate women I help and tend to in my clinic. These are vulnerable women.”

My husband and I, we want to prioritize each other. I hear all these horror stories of people no longer having time for their partner, or they just don’t feel like they can love each other and love their kids. I don’t know, maybe these stories have got to me a bit! But I’d rather not risk it. My relationship with him is too important to me.

it’s not as binary as two sides of a coin; we all just make decisions as we go along.”

The idea of having a child frightens me for so many reasons, so many more than the horrors of childbirth itself. Perhaps I’m scared of having that much love—too much love—to potentially lose.

“The time will come / when, with elation / you will greet yourself arriving / at your own door, in your own mirror / and each will smile at the other’s welcome.” I stare at her, a little baffled. “It’s ‘Love After Love’ by Derek Walcott. Beautiful piece. A reminder to feast on one’s own life. Let go of your guilt, Ol. Women are made to feel guilty for everything. The food we eat, the bodies we have, the relationships that don’t work out. We must accept the challenge and refuse to take on this guilt.”