It wanted him to surrender to me, either to become totally loving, totally mine, or to play dominant in an overt and quantifiable way. But he just existed, passive and removed, fucking me in a way that reminded me of necessary tasks, of the way he ate – not without any pleasure, but even so, with a heavy sense of function. I could never get any closer to him, could never satisfy myself. And that made me want him more for years, had made me wild with violent need.
