What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

by Bruce D. Perry

When you’ve been groomed to be compliant, confrontation in any form is uncomfortable because you were never taught that you have the right to say no; in fact, you were taught that you can’t say no.

This principle of “specificity” applies to all brain-mediated functions, including the capacity to love. If you have never been loved, the neural networks that allow humans to love will be undeveloped, as in Gloria’s case. The good news is that with use, with practice, these capabilities can emerge. Given love, the unloved can become loving. — Dr. Perry

Whoaaaa

Yes, belonging and being loved are core to the human experience. We are a social species; we are meant to be in community—emotionally, socially, and physically interconnected with others.

In its essence, trauma is the lasting effects of emotional shock. If left unexamined, it can have long-term physical, emotional, and social consequences.

experiences that contributed to the person you are today. As you revisit your past, know that no matter what happened, your simply being here, alive, makes you worthy. And know that there is hope. As Cynthia wrote, “Wellness is possible. It happens one moment, one step, at a time.” —

Super important 👏🏼

In 800 BC, in the Iliad, Homer described the trauma-related emotional deterioration of Ajax. Four hundred years later, the Greek historian Herodotus described trauma-like symptoms, including hysterical blindness and emotional fatigue, in warriors following the battle of Marathon. Trauma-related mental health effects were known as the “irritable heart” after the American Civil War and “shell shock” following combat in World War I.

Others, like me, have said hold on, these things may be inconvenient and difficult and even tragic, but they aren’t necessarily traumatic, and they’re certainly not traumatic for everyone. A pandemic is in many ways a shared event, but it is a unique experience for each of us. Many of us will not get sick, lose a job, become homeless, or experience the death of family members or friends. The privilege of some, like me, will be unmasked, while

Our major finding is that your history of relational health—your connectedness to family, community, and culture—is more predictive of your mental health than your history of adversity (see Figure 8). This is similar to the findings of other researchers looking at the power of positive relationships on health. Connectedness has the power to counterbalance adversity.

We believe these children could live happier, healthier lives if the homes, schools, health-care, and mental health systems they grew up in replaced “What is wrong with you?” with “What happened to you?”

The good news is that the brain remains changeable. As you might expect, the epigenetic mechanisms that regulate genes are reversible—they wouldn’t provide much adaptive advantage if they weren’t. Just as threat and trauma can lead to epigenetic changes, so can nurturing interactions reverse those.

Yet it’s almost always the case that these people really do want to be connected. They may even be good at starting relationships; they’re just terrible at maintaining them.

“The vast majority of children and adolescents with recurrent abdominal pain have functional abdominal pain or ‘non-organic’ pain, which means the pain is not caused by physical abnormalities.”

The suggestion, of course, is that the pain is “psychosomatic” or “all in your head.” This is dismissive. And indeed, many trauma-related health problems are dismissed, missed, and misunderstood. But once you understand more about neuroscience, and how our senses and brain translate experience into “biological” activity, the artificial distinctions disappear. If you understand the neurobiology of trauma, you know that a physical “abnormality” is causing the abdominal pain seen with sensitized dissociation.

All sensory input (physical sensations, smells, tastes, sights, sounds) is first processed in the lower areas of the brain; the lower brain gets first dibs. This means that before any new experience has a chance to be considered by the higher, “thinking” part of the brain, the lower brain has already interpreted and responded to it. It’s matched the sensory input from the new experience against the catalog of stored memories of past experiences—before the smart part of your brain even has a chance to get involved.

The brain is insanely amazing

Without some degree of regulation, it is difficult to connect with another person, and without connection, there is minimal reasoning. Regulate, relate, then reason. Trying to reason with someone before they are regulated won’t work and indeed will only increase frustration (dysregulation) for both of you. Effective communication, teaching, coaching, parenting, and therapeutic input require awareness of, and adherence to, the sequence of engagement.

THIS

So you’re saying that no matter what age you are, no one emerges from a trauma unscathed? And that it’s impossible to go back to being “the same” once a trauma has occurred?

This is true. Your past is not an excuse. But it is an explanation—offering insight into the questions so many of us ask ourselves: Why do I behave the way I behave? Why do I feel the way I do? For me, there is no doubt that our strengths, vulnerabilities, and unique responses

I made peace with my mother when I stopped comparing her to the mother I wished I had. When I stopped clinging to what should or could have been and turned to what was and what could be. Because what I know for sure is that everything that has happened to you was also happening for you. And all that time, in all of those moments, you were building strength. Strength times strength times strength equals power. What happened to you can be your power. — Oprah

Holy crap 😭🫶🏽