My Kind of Monster

by Lilith Roman

It’s a fucking Greek tragedy, a beautiful one, nonetheless.

But it is still a dungeon. I must not forget—it is still a dungeon.

Because I know, deep in my bones, I know that this is the first day of the rest of my goddamn life. But I don’t run. I can’t.

and together we become chaos—filthy disturbed chaos.

It’s like a filthy chemical reaction, two opposite substances combined in the same beaker, threatening to implode.

I crave blood and violence. I crave chaos and lust. I crave an unnatural love. I crave a destruction of souls.

We shared secret stories, stories that broke us and then stitched us back together into the people we are today.

I swear to the fucking gods something shifts in my brain, almost like it’s getting rewired, like voice fucking recognition getting used to its user.

“Some monsters are not made, Suki. Some monsters are born.”

there will be one person in this world to truly know me… even after I am gone, even if he will be the one to end me.

I find the chaos. I harness it. Then I destroy what’s left behind.

And I fear it, I fear the meaning of this, because it’s a destruction of hearts and souls and I don’t know if mine can absorb anymore chaos.

He fucking smiles. And it is beautiful.

Amongst the painful scars that mar my flesh, this one feels beautiful.

I can’t help but smile. I broke her and she broke me. What a fucked up fairy tale.

That’s it, little siren, meekness doesn’t suit you, this right here, this confidence… this looks good on you.

I keep you because you… you are the only person that makes me feel human. I keep you because you are not whole yet.”

I need her to accept it, because it’s part of her, no matter how disturbing, no matter how painful, I need her to be herself.

“This is it for me. I need you to understand it. I will kill for you. I will burn this world to the ground if it means that you will be safe. I will decimate it if that's what will make you happy.”

I cannot give in. I cannot become my mother.

She isn't just my siren. She's my fucking demon queen.

I will put a fucking apple in my mouth if it means that I will be the only meal he has for the rest of his damn life.

I never thought that I could feel this, this all-consuming rage. My mind is chaos, and I will burn this mountain to the ground until I find her.

I can’t control it. I won’t, because no matter what, no matter what the demons want or what the monster craves, no matter how much I suffer, no matter how much she does, I will have to accept the outcome. Accept her decision.

I crave the chaos, but he craves the fear.

What happens to the siren when she stops singing?

A home up in the clouds. It could have been my home.

It's an unnatural addiction, a sweet destruction of my soul, a burning mark on my heart which that meek four-letter word that starts with an L doesn't quite do justice.

We are bound together, him and I. Bound by lust and blood. Bound by forces we do not even understand, cravings most people cannot fathom. Bound by fear and pain. Bound by death.

the only things that haunt me are ghosts of my own creation. My inability to see that my own insecurities, the self-doubt, is the only thing making me believe that I could be my mother.

I’m done. Done holding back, done living by the rules of a world I do not belong to.

“You belong to me forever, and I will imprint on your heart, like a branding iron burning myself in it, and it will be the end of you. There will be no running anymore.”

“You demand my body, you demand my soul, you demand my heart. That hardly seems fair, Mr. Bergman. I will carry you forever, burnished on my heart while you walk free.”

“I was yours long before you became mine, you just failed to see it.”

“You are mine,” I whisper. “Until the day we die, you are mine and I am yours.” “Even in death, Suki.” I smile. “Even in death.”

Love does not do us justice. We would kill for each other, burn for each other, die for each other, and we would follow each other anywhere. Even in hell, because being apart is not an option anymore.

Even death will not be the end of us.