I Thought You Said This Would Work

by Ann Garvin

The mother absorbed the anxiety and responded to the SOS text after the sender had already wandered off, unburdened.

When he said “nothing,” I decided to believe him. Often, if I wasn’t careful, I made up a story about people in my head and didn’t check it with the facts of that person.

There was no quid pro quo from kids. No How’s the trip going? Or, Are you having a good time? That’s not how the parenting contract went. For every ten times parents supported their child, their child might think to respond once in kind.

When you were a child and you were taught to avoid fighting at all costs, you never got to see the rewards of having the hard conversation. If this continued as you aged, you got the message that the spoils must be so terrible, so ungodly horrible, that nothing was worth an argument. When you were an adult, you could reason yourself out of that, see evidence everywhere that wasn’t true, but your child hid and whispered, But what if the result is worse than the fight?

We only want to be a member of the club that won’t have us.

“Lots of times I don’t know what to say, and I’m afraid everyone is going to be mad at me.”

I saw that I could enjoy someone, even feel attraction to them, but hold myself apart. That if someone showed interest in me, I didn’t have to or wouldn’t just slide into a relationship without making an active choice.

“Safety and the idea that you can keep anyone safe is an illusion. But, loving someone is the ultimate safekeeping.”

Curing yourself from avoiding conflict wasn’t just about stepping up to fight. It was also about learning to lean into discomfort.

“Coming out doesn’t mean you have everything figured out. The phrase says it all. Coming out is a process. It’s an opening door.

I don’t think we should blame our younger selves for not being our older, more experienced selves.”