Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #2)

by Matt Dinniman

“I choose cat. Next.” Mordecai took a deep breath. “Donut, there are a few choices on here where you’ll actually look mostly…” “Cat. Final answer. Let’s move on.”

“He’s not your child, Donut. He’s a pet. We don’t put our lives in danger for our pets.” I regretted it the moment the words came out of my mouth. Donut looked as if I’d slapped her. I suddenly felt like an enormous asshole.

Carl: Hello, Mordecai. How’s your head? Mordecai: I’ve had no… Wait, what do you mean?

Mold Lion – Level 15 Mean, green, and it gonna eat yo spleen!

“That’s way more than I thought it would be,” I said. “I’m surprised.” “Not me,” Donut said. “You humans were always a cocky bunch.” “You didn’t change, either,” I said. “Of course not, Carl. Why would I stop being a cat?”

By healing it, I’d killed the worms. The bear let out a howl, mournful and afraid. She sat down and lowered herself painfully to the ground. The last of the boiling custard sizzled away. The bear looked at me, all of the fight out of her. This was Heather, the real Heather, free of the parasites that’d been controlling her. She looked at me with her newly-formed eyes. End it, those bitter eyes said. I should never have lived this long. She made a quick, pained whimper, and her eyes closed.

But this was a different, oddly specific aroma that had been indelibly imprinted on me as a four-year-old, a scent I’d sometimes remember as the path I could’ve taken, the world I could’ve lived had my dad not found us and taken us back.

I just wanted to tear it all down. But you don’t want to hear about any of this shit, do you? It’s not important. Not when we were weeks past the earth’s expiration date.

I thought of Donut, passed out and exposed, only protected by Mongo. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. You will not break me. You will not break me.

New Achievement! You Can’t Fight City Hall! But you can sure die trying. You have discovered a city boss! That’s right. Let me say that again for the assholes in the back! A. CITY. FUCKING. BOSS. Welp. If you gonna go, you might as well do it with style. Just an FYI. As of this moment in the current season of Dungeon Crawler World, not a single Crawler has faced a city boss and survived. And for good reason. Only a complete moron would voluntarily put themselves in a situation where they had to fight one of the most powerful monsters on the level. Reward: A lot of people are probably going to watch you die. That’s a better prize than most of us get.

I suddenly remembered something else about that day at the circus with my mom. One of the items we’d taken home from the show had been a pair of little sapling trees with the roots wrapped in nets. That was something this circus always did. They gave little trees to all the kids. My mom and I had planted those trees in my grandparent’s backyard. Years later, long after my grandparents had died, I’d looked up that house on the internet, and I found the satellite images of the backyard. The trees were still there. They’d grown huge. All it takes is a little seed, my mom had said that day as we planted the trees. Just little seeds here and there, and soon enough you have a forest.

You will not break me. Fuck you all. Quest Completed. The Show Must Go On.

All I had left in this world was right here. Mongo soon started to snore. I could feel Donut’s warmth against the back of my neck. She breathed softly, oblivious of all that had occurred tonight. This, I thought, this is my family.

We are guest stars, Carl. It’s too dangerous for a show to have guest stars that are more interesting than the main character. That’s why they killed Barb on Stranger Things.

As outgoing, as brash as she was, she was still new to this world, new to having real, sapient thoughts. She was still coming into her own. The adult she would become was in there somewhere, just starting to emerge, but Odette was right about her. She was still a child, and she held many child-like attitudes and beliefs. It’d be a long time before she fully matured. But it was clear if she did manage to grow up, she’d develop into a fiercely intelligent person.

A few minutes later, Bea and her mom had a different conversation, one about Donut. It was something I was glad now that the cat hadn’t overheard.

In fact, I had received a Lucky Bastard box for surviving Signet’s initial attack on us, but Donut hadn’t. She received the same Lazarus achievement, but instead of the box, her reward status said, “You’re lucky to be alive. That’s your reward.” None of us were sure why. Mordecai suspected it was because Donut’s health had zeroed out while Mongo was defending her, and she’d been saved by her Cockroach skill. But that didn’t make sense to me.

In my late teens, before I’d joined the military, the home had made us all get jobs, and I’d spent the summer working on a small farm that had multiple types of goats, including these guys.

“No. Fuck off,” Mordecai said. “Not tonight.” “You don’t have to be rude about it,” the woman said and she turned away. She staggered back toward her table. “What was that?” I asked. “A quest,” he said. “Pubs like these will always be filled with people giving garbage quests. And we’re not doing any more quests on this floor. If you look on your minimap, there’s probably a little star on top of her icon.” “There’s not,” I said. “It’s just a white dot.” “Well, not all quests show up on the map. Now we’re all going to go to bed.” “Fine,” I said, watching the woman settle back into her chair. The orc hung her head low, put her face into her hands, and she began to weep.

“Cats don’t drink cocktails,” I said. “Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.”

moment! I have used dark magic to lure your familiar into my trap! Carl and Donut, blasphemers! Prepare to taste the ultimate death!” His hands started to glow red. “Now watch as I…” I kicked him in the nuts at the same moment Donut’s magic missile slammed into his neck. The elf’s head ripped off as he was raised bodily off the ground. I felt my foot shatter his testicles and fracture his pelvis. The dead, now-headless elf rose into the air like a rocket. He splattered onto the ground in a heap, blood showering over us.

But that wasn’t true, was it? She was a real, biological creature. What she believed to be real was fake, an illusion. But she was still flesh and blood, an innocent. And she was dead simply because it was part of the story. Just like with all those prostitutes. You’re not going to break me. Fuck you all.

“Don’t worry, Donut,” I said. “We’ll find out who’s responsible, and we’ll make them pay.” Thwump. Something hit the roof of the inn, directly over our heads. It slid off the rooftop and crashed loudly into the street. In the morning we’d discover the body of a naked, twisted human prostitute, sprawled out in the alley next to the inn. Scrawled onto her back in torn, bloodless flesh were the words, “No, you won’t.”

“And what about the evidence we collected? Should we leave that here, too?” I asked. “If you must.” I pulled the dead hooker from my inventory and splatted her on the eagle’s desk. The corpse’s legs, still stiff with rigor, upset the line of Beanie Babies, tumbling them off the edge of the desk one by one, like a line of synchronized swimmers diving into the pool.

“Nah, I’m good,” I said. “Carl, the back of your cloak looks as if it was used as a sanitary napkin. You need to get cleaned.”

I spent the next five minutes watching Donut attempt to talk the dinosaur into walking onto the treadmill. I’d just watched the pet plunge headfirst into a 13-foot-tall undead zombie frittata, but the idea of getting clean appeared to terrify him.

Valtay have overstepped in their push to take over the season. The courts have long upheld the rights of those seeking bankruptcy protection, and I don’t see why that should change.” “Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?” Donut asked. “When are you going to say something funny?” The audience roared. “See, it’s not that hard.”

We’re supposed to be making the world… the universe… a better place for our children. If it’s not better, if you’re dealing with cruelty, with neglect, then you should do something about it. So, yeah. Fuck ‘em. Fuck King Rust and his asshole child. If you’re unhappy with your government, then kick them out and set up your own, one that represents the people’s best interests. You shouldn’t have to put up with some loser who’s going to take the people’s money and waste it on games, especially when those games entail killing people weaker than him with little or no real danger to himself. What a pussy. That’s my opinion.”

“I threw up,” Donut said, looking up at me. She had puke all down the front of her face. I used the thick fabric from my Nightgaunt cloak to clean off her fur the best I could.

Mordecai: Try to keep her alive. But if she does die, make sure you get those rings off her finger. Carl: You are stone cold, Mordecai.

The plush creature within was an armored man atop a black horse. I peered at the tag, which said “Kimaris.” I pulled it all into my inventory.

Katia now stood in the crowd. Her face was much better, much more natural. She still looked like a burn victim who fell face-first out of the ugly tree, but I wouldn’t question she was a human now. I summoned her over.

“Carl, I don’t want to become an NPC,” Donut said. “I guess it won’t matter if we die.” I reached up and scratched her head. Forty-five seconds. “I’m proud of you, you know that?” “Why?” “You’ve grown. You being worried about Katia? You don’t even know her, but you’d promised to keep her safe. My first instinct was to abandon her.”

“Carl?” she asked. I looked down into her large, glowing eyes. “Yeah?” “I’m not as dumb as I pretend to be. I know she’s dead.”

“Okay,” I said, sitting up. I put my arms out, revealing my toilet paper loincloth. “So? What do you think?” “Are you asking me to lie, Carl?” “Yes, I am,”

dangerous. I’ve watched her some, and she’s becoming obsessed with the idea of getting Donut to join her gang.” “Hekla seems great, but I don’t think we’d work well together. I can only handle one huge personality at a time, and Donut fits in that slot pretty well.”