Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #2)

by Matt Dinniman

“I’d like to present Dungeon Crawler Carl, the Level 13 Compensated Anarchist Primal. Welcome, Carl, to the third floor.”

“What about these NPCs?” I asked. A pair of dwarven girls, no older than teenagers, were practically swooning at the sight of Mordecai. They said something, trying to get his attention. He growled at them, and they scattered, giggling. “Oh, they’re very real. They are living, biological creatures similar to some of the mobs. Most have been engineered by the Borant Corporation, and therefore are owned by the Borant Corporation. This is the only world they know and have ever known.”

“That’s right,” Mordecai said. “This third floor won’t have any tourists on it. Most of them are on the 18th floor. It’s like a billionaire’s luxury retreat. The galaxy’s rich and elite congregate on the 18th floor to party and gamble and satiate their most base desires.”

And it’s the first level where brave and insane tourists can go to hunt crawlers. Not too many do it because it’s both expensive and dangerous. There are no protections for the hunters. They’re in real danger from both the mobs and the crawlers, and every season a handful of rich dumbasses get themselves killed.”

Okay, Carl. She likely has a 100 plus Charisma, which gives some inherent buffs. One of those is something called Puppy Dog, which can make men mad with desire. It’s a weak effect at first, but the longer you’re in her presence, the worse it’ll get. There’s only one surefire way to break it. You need to fracture your own finger. Do it fast. It will negate the effect. Uh, make sure you don’t rip your finger off. Shit. I still clutched onto Mongo. I reached over, grasped my left pinky, and I bent it back so it snapped loudly. Pain exploded. I cried out. Holy crap. That just happened. I looked stupidly at my bent-back finger.

quickly. “I want you two up early. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.” “What’re we doing?” Donut asked. “Oh, it’s going to be amazing,” Mordecai said. “It’s going to be a day for the history books. It’ll be the first time you two do exactly what I tell you to do.”

I have an offer for you. If you want these ratings to continue, I suggest you listen carefully. This is what I’m proposing. I know you can’t help me in any way. That’s against the rules, and the last thing we want is to draw the ire of the system AI. But I want to be on your show. As a regular. If Donut and I both happen to survive past tonight, and I make it to the sixth floor, I will sign an exclusive agreement to only complete elite-themed quests on the sixth floor that are directly associated with Vengeance of the Daughter.

It’s amazing. Both of these dramas playing out at the same time. Both of these dramas? What was the second one?

It’s too dangerous for a show to have guest stars that are more interesting than the main character. That’s why they killed Barb on Stranger Things.

The sixth floor, even though it’s considered an urban level, is very thick with vegetation. Odette made me spend a lot of time learning about that stuff when we made it to that floor.”

In addition, all skills that originate from below the waist train 20% faster. But as the name implies, this benefit allows only a single layer of armor or clothing to cover your crotch area. And since you’re already wearing these, it looks like you won’t be getting trousers anytime soon. Mordecai was still laughing. “You shouldn’t have said you really wanted those pants.”

Those guys run a shadow government? Please. The last reptilian I knew couldn’t even properly run a fantasy football league. Anyway, I’m talking about crazy, conspiracy nuts. People who believe the government is trying to use mind control on them, secret societies, gay frogs who shoot tracking microchips into you using cellular towers, and so on and so forth. Not your run-of-the-mill conspiracy theorists, but those who go the extra mile. Tin-foil-hat-wearing, silver-drinking nutjobs. The kind of people who cover their vehicles with crazy, schizophrenic text about radio signals coming from toilets.”

“Citizens of the Syndicate. By the time this message hits the tunnel, the earth creatures Carl and Donut will have been executed by a pulse fired from my personal yacht. The Skull Empire will pay for any damages to any private property destroyed in the attack. We are claiming, under the Syndicate rules regarding independent system sovereignty, that this summary execution is both justified and appropriate given Carl’s statements advocating sedition. That is all.” The message snapped off.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. This just in. I am getting word now. The Valtay are claiming one of their dreadnaughts in earth orbit has destroyed Prince Stalwart’s yacht. Again, the Valtay are claiming to have destroyed a Skull Empire royal vessel. From the message, it is clear Stalwart was not on board at the time, but it is rumored that both Queen Consort Ugloo and former prince Maestro were on board.”

You have killed a ranking NPC town official. *Sniff* It seems like just yesterday you were nothing but a scared, level-1 crawler with beautiful feet, pissing yourself as you faced down a rat. Now look at you. You’ve moved all the way up

New achievement! Ultimate Extreme Power! Easy there, Charlemagne. This is only a medium settlement. It’s not like you’ve conquered most of Europe. But you have killed this town’s acting Magistrate. You know what that means? Welcome to the wonderful world of public administration. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Tyrant’s Box! You have also gained control of the Medium Skyfowl Settlement. Good luck, Magistrate.

New Quest. The Fools Who Broke the Glass. THIS IS A GROUP QUEST. All Crawlers currently within the 45 square kilometer blast radius will receive this quest. Your party has been designated Host of this Group Quest. As hosts, you will not be allowed to opt-out from this quest. What the hell is going on? Am I glad you asked!

“I’m not as dumb as I pretend to be. I know she’s dead.” “I know.” I wrapped myself around her. We both closed our eyes and braced for the end.

Carl’s Doomsday Scenario Type: Unstable custom explosive Effect: An explosion large enough to rattle the teeth of a god. Status: Explosion Imminent (3/1x107) Created by a man who murders babies and steals rare collectibles from his elders, this device is powerful enough to level an entire city and all the suburbs around it.

Quest Update. You’ve probably noticed you’re not dead. Everybody say, “Thank you, Crawler Carl.” I’ll give you a second to luxuriate in your victory. That’s the good news. You might want to sit down for this next part.

Mordecai: Take off every magical item you have and put it in your inventory. Stop whatever you’re doing and do it now. It’ll be safe in your inventory, but not on your skin. I don’t know what the hell you just did, but your current situation is only barely better. Carl: I don’t have any clothes that aren’t magical except my jacket. Even my underwear is magic now. Mordecai: Goddamnit, Carl. No time to argue. Nobody is going to care about your trunk swinging in the air. Donut: WHAT ABOUT MY CROWN?

Entrance to the fourth floor. This is where the real fun begins. Mind the gap.

“Hey, Carl,” said Donut, just as we started to dissolve away. “You probably should have put your pants back on when we still could get into our inventory, don’t you think? Aren’t we going straight to Odette’s show?” She cackled with laughter. I looked down at the cat, horrified. “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.

She had changed to a stunning, short-haired woman. Black-haired, probably in her mid-thirties, pale with light, wide-set eyes that sat at an odd angle on her face.

The Borant Corporation immediately filed an appeal against the AI’s decision to rule the detonator exempt from both of those blasts. Just before you came on today, Borant was overruled by a Syndicate court. In addition, and even more importantly, the court ruled the achievements you received as a result of the explosion are also just, and the rewards must be paid.”

Legendary boxes are handed out like candy because they’re cheap, but Celestial boxes are an order of magnitude better. The prize in a single box can render an underperforming crawler almost immortal, practically unbeatable until they reach the tenth floor. If they capriciously hand them out, more crawlers will make it to the deeper levels, and the showrunners can drag the season out and earn much more money. So the Syndicate places a heavy premium on such items. And while the AI usually chooses the prizes, the writers running the show are responsible for creating the circumstances in which the boxes are earned. It’s a careful balance.”

and he’ll eat me if I can’t afford to feed him. I