Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #2)

by Matt Dinniman

Welcome, Crawler to the third floor.

“It’s an illusion,” I said. “It’s like that mall in Las Vegas. They make it look like you’re outside, but you’re really not.”

“Training levels?” I said. “For fuck’s sake. You call those training levels?”

“Mommy will be okay,” Donut said. “You hang out with Uncle Carl for a few minutes while I get some work done. Behave yourself.” The baby velociraptor settled into my lap.

Artist Alley Mogul This Charisma and Intelligence-based class is the modern-day merchant. Using your superior artistic talent to entertain and entice fellow nerds, the Artist Alley Mogul travels the world to sell her copyright-infringing wares. While not particularly menacing physically, this plucky merchant is extremely difficult to hurt.

“Artist Alley? Really? Aren’t those the nerds that like Star Wars and draw pictures of cats dressed like the guys from A-Team and stuff?” She shuddered.

NecroBard This unusual class combines one of the most-loved occupations with one of the most reviled. Necromancers specialize in magic related to raising the dead. Bards must choose an entertainment-based skill. Depending on this choice, whether it be singing, the kazoo, or storytelling, the resulting crawler will use this skill to either entertain, protect, or glamour both the living and the dead.

Former Child Actor This rare subclass is an offshoot of the Character Actor class. It can only be obtained by Crawlers who have both received the “Cut!” achievement and have obtained at least one trillion views. Once a spoiled brat superstar, then addicted to drugs, you have crawled back from the brink stronger than ever. You are ready for your comeback. This Charisma and Chance-based class could go either way. You’ll either rise to the top, or you’ll be dead in a ditch in a week. This unique Earth class is based on the Bard/Rogue Jack-Of-All-Trades subclass, but with a few distinctive differences.

“We gotta do what’s best for the team, right? You want me to be a nerd, I’ll be a nerd.”

“Goddamnit, Donut!” Mordecai cried. “God fucking damnit!”

“That’s me,” Mordecai said. “I’m the manager. From now on, for the remainder of your time in this godsforsaken place, I will instantly teleport to any saferoom you are in.”

Donut: I TOLD YOU HE’D BE MAD. I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE MAD AT ME, CARL. Carl: Yeah, he’s pissed. Sorry about that.

“Well, congratulations, crawler. You are now Princess Donut the Level 13 Former Child Actor Cat. Welcome to the third fucking floor.”

I focused on the line of the three AI-recommended choices and laughed. Hobgoblin Human And Sasquatch

“The AI loves Carl’s tootsies,” Donut said.

Hobgoblin This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Explosives Handling skill by the time race selection becomes available. A Hobgoblin is what happens when a lady troll manages to get a goblin drunk enough to talk herself into his pants. Large, muscular, and smart, Hobgoblins excel at trapmaking, explosives management, and all-out mayhem. Unfortunately, these guys are so ugly even Gorgons lose their lunch looking upon them. This race is best suited for rogue and fighter-based classes.

Human You’re already a human. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you don’t need a description. If you choose this, nothing will change.

Sasquatch. This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Smush skill by the time race selection becomes available. Bigfoot. Yeti (if you choose an ice-based class). Skunk Ape. The list of nicknames for these things is almost endless, but in the end, the result is the same. First you take a human, you cross it with a gorilla, you make them a foot and a half taller, cover them with hair, and then give them size 24 feet. The resulting behemoth is a monstrous melee fighter and tank.

For the next two hours, I read through every available race. There was a wide variety of choices, from short, squat, purple-skinned little people called Night Dwarves to tall, thin gazelle-like fighters called Lyrx Elves to monstrous rock creatures with molten centers called Coal Engines.

Primal. For the first several seasons of Dungeon Crawler World, all contestants started off as Primals. Primals are blank slates. You will look the same as before. You will obtain all skills associated with your current race,

“The Primals are the progenitors, the first known species to conquer the universe.

I opened up the menu, scrolled all the way to the bottom, and I picked Primal as my race.

I looked over the AI’s recommended choices. All three were from the pool of earth-based classes. Bomb Squad Tech Prize Fighter And Compensated Anarchist

Bomb Squad Tech This exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained the Boom! Achievement. People who actually choose to work with explosives are the craziest bastards around. You excel at making things blow up. And while you’re good at keeping the bombs from going off in your own hands, Bomb Squad Techs still tend to lose both friends and limbs at alarming rates. Luckily this class comes with a benefit that can fix 50% of that problem. All explosive-based traps will mark themselves as you approach.

-2 to Intelligence (After all, only dumbasses would choose to do this for a living.)

Prizefighter This exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained a Level five in the Pugilism skill. This is a Monk subclass. Sweaty, half-naked men circling each other in a ring, turning their faces into raw pulp as the crowd roars. The people in this audience don’t care who is fighting who, as long as one of them ends up a crumpled, bloody heap on the mat before the night is done. Prizefighters don’t do it for the glory, or for honor. They do it to put food on the table. It’s nothing personal.

Compensated Anarchist This rare and exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained Level five in the Explosives Handling skill and have received at least 500 Billion views by the time they’ve reached the third floor. When the oligarchs want to manufacture a social movement, or better yet, stop one in its tracks, they must first bring in the big guns. The paid protestors. The Agent Provocateur. This Monk/Rogue hybrid class is a trapmaking, bomb-making, social-media dynamo. The Compensated Anarchist will happily throw a Molotov through a window one moment and step in front of a camera to plead for the violence to stop the next. Experts in hand-to-hand and dirty tactics, the Compensated Anarchist only suffers when it comes to more traditional fighting techniques.

Mordecai narrowed his eyes at me as I scrolled down and picked Compensated Anarchist as my class.