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July 2 - August 2, 2023
Under a victim's concern for the abuser is a terrible fear of being without someone who needs you, of being lonely and lost.
If you feel guilty about leaving your abuser, indebted to him or her, or just depressed about losing what feels as if it has so much promise, understand that these are not logical, and they're NOT true feelings of love: they are horrible side-effects of the chemical warfare that's been going on in your brain, to put it that way. It sounds shocking, but take it kindly: it means, don't feel guilty; you're not indebted; and you won't have to feel depressed!
Thoughts and sensations may be far from totally obedient to the will, but the physical world is much less controllable to someone who is young. They might try to flee from it, into an imaginary world. At the same time, thoughts of pain and confusion actually distract them from their bodies, and the physical symptoms of their stress are just allowed to happen. Physical symptoms can seem unpredictable, so a child doesn't try to understand them so as to alleviate them; or they can seem inevitable, uncontrollable, and thus not worth tackling.
You will need to remember what happened, and picture yourself, now adult, explaining and loving yourself in that situation. You need to make yourself feel loved in that time when you weren't.
They're based on trust, and mutual help given by sufficiently independent individuals who can add to their own lives by working together, not rescue.
Little Markie, our example, spent so much time second-guessing his parents, especially his mother, that he really had little time to pay attention to himself, so that he could grow up. It sounds rather quaint if you don't think about it: Markie who was so unselfish, so quiet and un-rebellious, Markie who was so easy to look after because he was never any trouble! Deep inside, though, he's had a deprived childhood. He was robbed! Do you see yourself in him? Or someone you know?
Mark is going to need a lot of love and time to be heard and understood, to grow out of his trauma-bond and co-dependency, and to find his sense of self-worth. He needs to be guided though a process of learning who he really is, of maturing his identity so that he won't confuse his own needs with those of others. Actually, he needs to bond with himself before he can do so with other people. Mark is likely to have a very poor estimate of his worth, and think that he can only find worth in what he does for someone else who has worth. Instead, he could be able to give his own love and personality
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Once again, they need to be loved 'without strings' and taught that they can love best when they are loved for who they are, not for what they do. It can be very flattering to be seen as a helper, but such co-dependent helpers are tormenting themselves and not finding the real joy of giving, especially in a relationship.
Deeper personal growth happens to someone who suffered abuse when, let us say, she no longer refers to herself as a "victim". This isn't denial, let it be emphasized. You see, to get lots of sympathy from others who listen to you, and to enjoy that too much, is to be blind to the much greater peace and enjoyment of life that results from being in a healthy and normal state of mind. It's actually narcissistic!
There's an additional reason for not wanting to stay stuck in the stage of identifying as a victim: such a person is likely to find another sociopath and maybe get involved in a relationship with them.
the process of healing and growing personally, people who were traumatized will become not just 'survivors' but 'thrivers' because they will have confronted that 'false self' they grew up with.
and when it is done, you will feel at peace, even
little too quiet on the inside, just because you were so used to trauma.
Other people who care can help; sharing your life-story can make you feel greater peace.
A victim of a trauma bond is someone who confuses his or her feelings of deep emotion for real love, again used by the abuser to get attention and power.
"paralysis of analysis"
Such traumatized victims can become aggressive, anti-social and self-destructive. The targets of this aggression are, sadly, most likely to be the ones who are closest to them!
start planning petty retaliations, sound as if they want to win the next game in a series...
a trauma bond happens to people who are frightened of life?
Suffering is part of life, and your abuser - who made you suffer so - was LYING when he or she made you think they could take you to a place where there was no pain,
times of serious, deep emotions and shocking intensity.
whole being was pulled into the vortex.
people are ends in themselves, and not means to an end.
Would you like to find yourself imagining what a deeper link to them, a future with them, could be like? Would you like to feel life without obsessing about trauma?! You can take a break from looking after your soul. Would you enjoy the chance to express your warmth and affection, just for the sake of life?
To have some happy moments is enough; moments are meaningful, no less than stories and sagas!
It will have to do with LESSENING OF FEAR, psychologists say.
How much time do you spend together? It doesn't have to be all your time. It's quite OK to be tired after a meal in a restaurant: you can say that you had a good date, but you need to go home to get ready for work the next day, and sleep.
a narcissistic personality. Those people want to control your time; they want to chat till one in the morning when they're in the mood (how can you be tired?). The next time, they'll finish the pudding in one gulp and say, "Well, I think it's time to go now." (As if you'd think otherwise!) The boundaries that are healthy for you are also boundaries inside YOU.
rather, you are controlling your emotions, and your memory's in a healthy balance with your reason.
Trying to love, is actually
loving.
narcissistic entitlement driving a wealthy man to steal from someone he considered unworthy of having a privilege.
your own inner commitment, the rewards go beyond what money can buy.
'Narc' has a great big hole inside. A black hole...
quite a few commit suicide long before they reach any great age. That suicide is a reaction of despair and emptiness, when their power over circumstances disappears, as can happen at any time, not just old age. Sometimes it is an act of revenge on those who are trauma-bonded to them. At other times it is vainglory, an attempt to look glorious and noble for a few moments before their inner hopelessness is exposed for the world to see. At other times it is just
sheer childish sulking, that life didn't go as they wanted it to! It's all misery.
"TO LIVE WELL IS THE BEST FORM OF REVENGE!"
To love yourself, in the healthiest way, to heal yourself so that you can start loving other people the way they really are.
Love, that over-used word, is what it's all about. It really isn't a second-hand emotion, once there's nothing 'narcky' about its object, and nothing traumatized about you, any more. Love is quite prepared to suffer, but only for the truth, rather than a desperate illusion.
