Single On Purpose: Prioritizing Self-Love and Personal Growth in Your Journey Through Life, Dating, and Relationships

by John Kim

But things don’t just break people out of nowhere. What breaks us is not losing a job, or friends, or even a marriage. What breaks us is drifting away from ourselves for too long. It’s not a single event. It’s that gradual drift.

It’s easier to love yourself than to like yourself. You can hide behind loving yourself. But you can’t hide behind liking yourself. Loving yourself can be a box you check. Liking yourself requires a journey.

Do you like yourself? We’re not talking about your nose or your butt. Do you like who you are at your core? If not, think about how you may have disconnected from your body, spirit, and soul. Why do you think that happened? What locked-away parts of yourself do you need to release in order to reconnect with yourself? Or maybe to establish a relationship with yourself for the first time?

Don’t ask yourself when you were the happiest. That’s too fucking broad. And “happy” can be a bumper sticker. Ask yourself when you felt most alive.

A first date with yourself can be a walk. Or a workout. Or a cup of coffee sitting on a brick wall on a Saturday afternoon. It’s not about the activity. It’s about the connection. Are you connecting with yourself? Leaning into the discomfort of sitting with yourself? Or are you on your phone and in your head the entire time, running a to-do list or ruminating on why you haven’t met someone? Can you give someone else your undivided attention? Do that for yourself.

Self-care doesn’t mean bubble baths and fancy brunches. It really means taking care of yourself daily like you would for someone you love. It means breaking the pattern of putting yourself last. It means not taking on everything. Not overextending yourself. It means blowing out the candle when it’s burning at both ends. It means saying no to things. It means considering your own needs, not over others’ needs but with them, and meeting your needs.

If someone treats you well but speaks to you like shit, that’s not love. Or if someone speaks to you with love and kindness but treats you like shit, that’s not love. It comes down to actions and words, and they should line up. That’s how you love someone. Anything else isn’t love. And if it’s not love, there is no way to build a healthy relationship.

How you talk to yourself is actually more important than how you treat yourself. Because how you talk to yourself will determine how you treat yourself. Words turn into actions more easily than actions turn into words.

Dance for you and other people will dance with you. Dance for others and you become a show. Not a person.

Our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water. —MATTHEW LIEBERMAN

Your friends may offer resistance or opinions on your choices, but if they don’t support your truth and who you truly are becoming, they are not encouraging your connection to yourself. Instead, they are trying to change you. Or they are holding on to the old friendship dynamic between the two of you. Maybe one that worked for you before you started your growth journey. But now the new you makes them uncomfortable. This happens a lot. It’s what people mean when they say they are “outgrowing” their friends. It’s normal. It’s life. Just because you have a history doesn’t mean you have a healthy friendship. Read that sentence again.

When you’re single, it’s more important to have good friends than to find a partner.

If exercise isn’t your thing, here’s something even easier—put down your phone. We are becoming isolated robots by hiding behind our phones. Put down your phone and take advantage of the opportunity to be human again. Focus on what makes us human, like eye contact and smiles.

Don’t Say No to Anything Social Get. The. Fuck. Out. There. Engage with the world. You’re not going to make friends by ordering in and watching Netflix every weekend. Stop being so picky about what you like to do and don’t like to do. Sometimes the best times happen when we least expect them. Sometimes we meet the coolest people doing the dumbest shit. Get out there and stretch yourself. Doing things that may be uncomfortable is a form of connecting to yourself. You are exploring. Without exploration, there is no connection to self. So break out of your rut today. Turn your mental dial to “Explore” and lock it there. Accept every invitation. Not necessarily forever. Do it for a couple of days or weeks. See what experiences you have. Either way, you will have stories.

There are far, far better things ahead than any we have left behind. —C. S. LEWIS

Whatever you push down will always come back up.

You have to grow individually if you want to grow as a couple. If not, two become one and you’re back in your twenties. Your thirties is when you need to take ownership and work through your shit.

How do I create healthy new love experiences that will eclipse the old ones—and pave over the unhealthy ones—and give me new definitions of love?

We don’t learn about codependency, attachment styles, and healthy boundaries,

Because it’s not just how you look and feel that becomes unattractive, but the fact that you don’t care about how you look and feel.

Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the situation could have been. —SYLVESTER MCNUTT III

“Closure” requires nothing from the other person involved. It does not require an answer, an apology, or an explanation. If it did, very few people would truly be able to move on because most relationships end unsettled and unresolved.

It doesn’t really work if you engage in life only when things are good. You must engage even when things are bad. Especially when things are bad. Many people run or numb when life turbulence hits. To engage means to allow yourself to feel through the bad times, knowing it’s not forever. If you’re grieving, engage in it. If you’re lonely or going through a breakup, engage in it. If you’re going through a huge life transition, engage in it. Engaging even when things are bad doesn’t mean allowing yourself to drown in it.

My worth came from what I accomplished, and my lack of worth from what I didn’t accomplish.

They don’t believe they have value. That’s why they are so desperately wanting to be with someone—to prove they have worth. That’s why they compromise and tolerate toxic relationships. That’s why they stay in shitty jobs that don’t allow them to thrive. That’s why their friendships are lopsided and their marriages are broken and lukewarm at best.

When you believe you are worth something, the universe moves.

Worth is not something you believe. Worth is something you build.

Know that you are valuable. Start your day like it’s your last. Seek nectar. Stretch your bright spots. Shatter your veneer. Practice transparency. Love hard. Dream big. Sweat daily. Resist nothing. Embrace your story. It’s the only one you’ve got. Don’t feed negativity. Don’t engage with negative people. Don’t live in the past. Fuck your identity. Crush your false beliefs. Prove yourself wrong. Run toward your fears instead of away. Throw your stone as hard as you can, knowing that it will send ripples. Be a prism, not a rock. Drink water. Ask questions. Turn your dial to give. Don’t gossip. Don’t seek approval or validation. Get out of your head. It’s the most dangerous place. Don’t react. Respond. Eat well, not more. Do things alone. Understand before you speak. Burn your boats. Lean forward. Forgive. Know somebody. And go to bed with fucking gratitude.