The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

by Ross W. Greene

Even if that problem has never come up before, it’s predictable now (because it’s already happened once). Difficulty regulating emotions

the skill of putting one’s emotions on the shelf so as to think through solutions to problems more objectively, rationally, and logically—a skill called separation of affect—is really important.

respond to problems or frustrations with more thought than emotion,

black-and-white thinkers living in a gray world

difficulty approaching the world in a flexible, adaptable way and become extremely frustrated when events don’t proceed in the manner they had originally conceived.

strong preference for predictability and routines, and struggle when events are unpredictable...

experience enormous frustration as they struggle to apply concrete rules to a world where few such rules apply:

COURTNEY: I don’t know.

kids are rarely able to describe their difficulties with this kind of clarity.

INFLEXIBILITY + INFLEXIBILITY = MELTDOWN

some of the inaccurate things that have been said about your child

She Just Wants Attention

simply ignoring the behavior will cause us to miss the boat on what’s really getting in the way.

Manipulating Us

Not Motivated

Kids do well if they can

Making Bad Choices

Has a Bad Attitude

kid lacked crucial thinking skills.

Knows Just What Buttons to Push

Has a Mental Illness

for it points us in the direction of what really needs to be done to help kids with concerning behaviors: solve the problems that are causing those behaviors.

Identifying your child’s lagging skills can help you understand her difficulties more accurately, take her concerning behaviors less personally, and respond in ways that are more compassionate, less punitive, and more effective.

lagging skills should also change your vocabulary.

Attention-seeking, manipulative, ...

characterizations of your child were never accurate and simply perpetuate the use of interventions that may not have be...

behavior was not the most important part of the picture.

instead of putting their energy into rewarding and punishing behavior, adults should instead focus on solving the problems giving rise to those behaviors.

“That doctor says that by the time she’s going nuts it’s already too late.”

most kids with concerning behaviors are reliably set off by the same five or six (or ten or twelve) problems every day

You want to be in crisis prevention mode, not crisis management mode.

wording of the unsolved problem on the ALSUP is going to translate directly into the words you use when you introduce the unsolved problem to your child

GUIDELINE #1:

start your unsolved problems with the word difficulty and get rid of the concerning behavior altogether: “Difficulty sharing toys with brother in the playroom.”

what almost always comes after the word difficulty is a verb.

GUIDELINE #2:

wording of the unsolved problem should contain no adult theories.

the minute you’re inclined to write the word because in the unsolved problem, stop writing. Everything that comes after because is a theory.

there’s a decent chance that what you thought was making it difficult for your child to meet a particular expectation is not what is actually making it difficult for your child to meet that expectation.

it’s your job to know how to find out.

Your child is your best source on what’s making it difficult for them to meet a given expectation.

GUIDELINE #3:

Make sure the unsolved problems are “split” rather than “clumped.”

having difficulty writing the paragraphs on the Language Arts homework

memorizing their multiplication tables, then that’s a separate unsolved problem, too.

this guideline going to make your list of unsolved problems very long? Yes,

coming to an awareness of the sheer number of expectations your child is having difficulty meeting can be a bit jarring.

you’re not going to be solving all of them at once.