The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

by Ross W. Greene

Anyone can become angry, that is easy . . . but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way . . . this is not easy. —ARISTOTLE

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. —MAYA ANGELOU

But the behaviors aren’t even the most important part. Rather, what those behaviors are telling us is the most important part. And what they’re telling us is that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations.

There is no panacea. You have some hard work ahead of you. But you’re working hard already. Let’s make sure you have something to show for all that hard work.

Believe me, this is not what I envisioned when I dreamed of having children. This is a nightmare.

“I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But Jennifer has caused me to act in ways in which I never thought myself capable. I’m emotionally spent. I can’t keep living like this. We are in a constant state of crisis.

In other words, dealing more effectively with these kids requires, first and foremost, an understanding of why they’re responding so poorly to problems and frustrations. In some instances, the understanding part can, by itself, lead to improvements in your interactions with your child, even before any formal strategies are tried.

First, most parents of kids with concerning behaviors have other children who are well-behaved, so unless they made the conscious decision to parent competently with one child and incompetently with another, blaming parents for a child’s concerning behavior is a nonstarter.

And what are those conditions? Quite simply, when there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting.

Kids who exhibit concerning behaviors are compromised in the global skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem solving.

If your kid could respond to problems and frustrations adaptively, he would. That’s because—and this is, without question, the most important theme of this entire book—kids do well if they can.

Kids who are having difficulty adaptively handling problems and frustrations are lacking the skills required for being proficient in handling problems and frustrations.

By focusing instead on the expectations your child is having difficulty meeting.

But whether a child’s concerning behavior is lucky or unlucky, it’s communicating the exact same thing: I’m stuck . . . there’s an expectation I’m having difficulty meeting.

Other kids may not have a basic vocabulary for letting people know they “need a break,” that “something’s the matter,” that they “can’t talk about that right now,” that they “need a minute” to collect their thoughts or shift gears, or that they “don’t like that.” Since they lack the wherewithal to adaptively communicate their thoughts, ideas, concerns, perspectives, and emotions, they may communicate these things using less optimal words: “screw you,” “I hate you,” “shut up,” and “leave me alone” are some of the milder possibilities. Some kids can’t muster any words and growl, scream, or hit instead.

But frustration, anxiety, and other strong emotions can make the thinking part a lot harder.

Most of us have more trouble handling frustration and solving problems when we’re in a bad mood. But these kids are in a bad mood a lot, so they have trouble handling frustration and solving problems a lot, too:

And you—and lots of other people—expect me to handle changes in plans and things not going the way I thought they would with great ease. When you expect these things, I start to get frustrated, and then I have trouble thinking clearly, and then I get even more frustrated. Then you guys get frustrated, and that just makes it worse.

“Bad attitudes” tend to be the by-product of countless years of being misunderstood, overcorrected, overdirected, and overpunished by adults who didn’t recognize that a kid lacked crucial thinking skills. But kids are resilient; they come around if we start doing the right thing.

when she’s having difficulty meeting certain expectations, she exhibits concerning behaviors that adults experience as being extremely unpleasant.

The speaker was also saying that instead of putting their energy into rewarding and punishing behavior, adults should instead focus on solving the problems giving rise to those behaviors.

A very important goal of this book is to get you out of the heat of the moment. You want to be in crisis prevention mode, not crisis management mode.

Poorly worded unsolved problems often cause the problem-solving process to come to an immediate halt before it even gets started.

many kids become defensive and won’t participate in the problem-solving process if you highlight their concerning behavior at the beginning of that process. And having your child participate in the problem-solving process is really important.

the minute you’re inclined to write the word because in the unsolved problem, stop writing. Everything that comes after because is a theory.

what you thought was making it difficult for your child to meet a particular expectation is not what is actually making it difficult for your child to meet that expectation.

It’s not your job to know what’s hard; it’s your job to know how to find out. Your child is your best source on what’s making it difficult for them to meet a given expectation.

All these years we’ve been focused on her behavior, when we should have been focused on solving the problems that cause her behavior.”

Anger had been a familiar companion since Sandra was a kid. Back then, it wasn’t just her circumstances that fueled her anger, it was also the sense that she could do very little to change those circumstances. The anger had always energized her to fight harder. But the anger and determination always seemed to backfire in her interactions with Frankie; it just caused him to fight back.

a lot of unsolved problems have piled up over the years and that they aren’t going to be solved in one fell swoop.

Her son was slipping away, and the energy and determination that had sustained her through difficult times throughout her life seemed to be fading as well. It was becoming quite clear that energy and determination—and love—weren’t going to be enough to make the difference

Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step. The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand what’s making it hard for her to meet a particular expectation. The Define Adult Concerns step involves communicating your concern or perspective on the same problem, especially why it’s important that the expectation be met. The Invitation step is when you and your child work toward a solution that is (a) realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and (b) mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution addresses the concerns of both parties).

The goal of the Empathy step is to gather information from your child to understand what’s making it difficult for them to meet a certain expectation.

Reflective listening—simply saying back to the child whatever they just said to you—often

Don’t try so hard to get your kid to talk today that you decrease the likelihood that they’ll talk to you tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.

Some reassurance that you’re not using Plan A might be helpful, as in “I’m not telling you what to do” (you’re not), “You’re not in trouble” (they’re not), “I’m not mad at you” (you’re not), and “I’m just trying to understand” (you are). Notice I’m excluding statements like “I just want what’s best for you” and “I’m doing this (Plan A) because I love you.”

There’s really no point in thinking of solutions until the concerns of both parties have been identified.

The Invitation step lets the child know that solving the problem is something you’re doing with them (collaboratively) rather than to them (unilaterally).

the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties). If a solution isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, the problem isn’t solved yet and the problem-solving partners are still working on it.

By the way, “trying harder” is never a viable solution.

The mutually satisfactory part also helps the kid know that you’re as invested in ensuring that their concerns are addressed as you are in making sure that yours are addressed.

it’s good for the kid and adult to acknowledge that the problem may require additional discussion, because there’s actually a decent chance that the first solution won’t solve the problem durably.

If you’re extremely busy and are accustomed to solving problems in the spur of the moment, there’s a good chance you’re leaving your kid floundering in your wake, and he’s probably not doing very well back there. We could demand that he adapt to you, but since flexibility and adaptability are not his strengths, the more realistic option (though it may not be easy) is for you to adapt to him. Once he learns some skills and you are able to solve some chronic problems together, maybe he’ll be able to reciprocate.

It’s possible he really doesn’t know what’s making it hard to meet a particular expectation. Perhaps you’ve never inquired before. Perhaps he’s never given the matter any thought. Perhaps he’s become so accustomed to having his concerns dismissed that he hasn’t given any thought to his concerns for a very long time.

reassurance that you’re not mad, that he’s not in trouble, that you’re not going to tell him what to do, and that you truly just want to understand.

But the last thing you’d want to do is dismiss his concern or, worse, tell him you think he’s lying. That approach is useful only for getting him to stop talking to you.

Don’t be insulted that he doesn’t care about your concern. Let’s face it, you may not actually care that much about his. The good news is that he doesn’t really have to care about your concern; he just has to take it into account as you pursue a mutually satisfactory solution together.

Some kids won’t be able to participate in Plan B without the aid of medication.

They need to find ways to spend time away from the child and recharge and find ways to focus on other aspects of life besides the child.

“I don’t want to live this way anymore,”