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kids who exhibit concerning behaviors don’t exhibit those behaviors all the time, just sometimes. That’s a very big deal, because it permits us to take a closer look at the specific conditions in which they’re exhibiting concerning behaviors. And what are those conditions? Quite simply, when there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting.
Kids who exhibit concerning behaviors are compromised in the global skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem solving. These are skills most of us take for granted. And most kids are blessed with sufficient levels of those skills. Your child was not so fortunate.
Kids who are having difficulty reading are lacking the skills required for being proficient in reading. Kids who are having difficulty adaptively handling problems and frustrations are lacking the skills required for being proficient in handling problems and frustrations.
The kids do well if they can philosophy is important for another reason. See, a different mentality—kids do well if they want to—has dominated adult thinking for a long time, and it is that very mentality that has caused many people to believe that poor motivation is the driving force behind concerning behaviors.
Diagnoses can also be counterproductive in that they imply that the problem resides solely within the child and that it’s the child who needs to be fixed. And, since diagnoses are simply categories containing lists of concerning behaviors, they may not be telling you anything
What skills is he lacking? The answer to that question will help you understand why your child is responding so poorly to problems and frustrations. What expectations is he having difficulty meeting? That’s going to help you know when your child exhibits concerning behaviors. If you identify those unsolved problems proactively, they become highly predictable. And if they’re highly predictable, they can be solved proactively rather than in the heat of the moment.
“I’m taking a walk,” she said loudly. Jennifer looked annoyed, paused her movie, and removed one headphone. “Why do you always scream at me?” she groused. But Debbie could sense that, at the moment, the level of agitation wasn’t extreme. “I wasn’t screaming. I didn’t know if you heard me.” “I heard you. Can I go to the store later? I need a new pair of rain boots. Mine are too small.” “We can try to do that later, yes,” said Debbie. Ambiguity was not Jennifer’s strong suit. “Well, can we or can’t we?” “I think we can, but I need to find out what Dad and Riley are doing before I say yes for
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Debbie thought it was a little twisted that she looked forward to telling Sandra about Jennifer’s latest blow-up—and to hearing Sandra’s stories as well—but it made her feel less alone. “If you can believe it, we had a blowout over waffles this morning.”
What’s the main thing your brain must do when you’re faced with a problem? Solve it. That may seem pretty straightforward, but only if you have the skills to accomplish the mission.
First, you need to consider the range of responses or solutions that would help you solve the problem (those solutions are almost always drawn from past experiences).
The bad news is that the first solution is often the worst one, the one that required the least amount of reflection and thought, which probably explains why some kids are notorious for putting their worst foot forward. Moreover, there are many kids who can’t think of any solutions at all. So, the problem remains unsolved. And the concerning behaviors being caused by that problem persist. Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words Thank goodness humans learned, way back when, how to communicate using words. Language is what separates us from the other species
Yes, it’s internal language (self-talk) that helps us navigate and think our way through potential solutions (“I might not even feel like having waffles tomorrow morning . . . plus, I can ask my mom to buy more today . . . so it’s not such a big deal if my brother eats the rest of the waffles right now . . .”). Many kids lack that skill.
Other kids may not have a basic vocabulary for letting people know they “need a break,” that “something’s the matter,” that they “can’t talk about that right now,” that they “need a minute” to collect their thoughts or shift gears, or that they “don’t like that.”
Since they lack the wherewithal to adaptively communicate their thoughts, ideas, concerns, perspectives, and emotions, they may communicate these things using less optimal words: “screw you,” “I hate you,” “shut up,” and “leave me alone” are some of the milder possibilit...
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Most of us have more trouble handling frustration and solving problems when we’re in a bad mood. But these kids are in a bad mood a lot, so they have trouble handling frustration and solving problems a lot, too:
These kids are rarely able to describe their difficulties with this kind of clarity. But here’s a simple math equation that might suffice. INFLEXIBILITY + INFLEXIBILITY = MELTDOWN
Remember, unsolved problems are expectations your child is having difficulty meeting. If you expect your child to take out the trash on Tuesday mornings, and they’re not reliably meeting that expectation, then that’s an unsolved problem. If you expect your child to be in bed by 8:30 pm, and they’re not reliably meeting that expectation, that’s an unsolved problem. If you expect your child to be home by a 12 am curfew, and they’re not reliably meeting that expectation, that’s an unsolved problem.
In other words, you wouldn’t write, “Gets upset and kicks brother when having difficulty sharing toys in the playroom.” Instead, start your unsolved problems with the word difficulty and get rid of the concerning behavior altogether: “Difficulty sharing toys with brother in the playroom.” Why is it important to leave the concerning behavior out of the wording of the unsolved problem? Because many kids become defensive and won’t participate in the problem-solving process if you highlight their concerning behavior at the beginning of that process.
By the way, what almost always comes after the word difficulty is a verb. For example: Difficulty waking up for school by 7 am Difficulty completing the algebra worksheet for homework Difficulty emptying the dishwasher Difficulty getting started on the word problems worksheet for homework Difficulty ending the Xbox game to come in for dinner Difficulty putting away clean laundry GUIDELINE #2: The wording of the unsolved problem should contain no adult theories.
Follow this rule of thumb: the minute you’re inclined to write the word because in the unsolved problem, stop writing. Everything that comes after because is a theory. Why is it important to jettison your theories? First, because adult theories about the cause of an unsolved problem are often incorrect.
“Hitting seems like a pretty big problem to me,” said Kevin. “Yeah, but that’s not what we’re going to be working on with Jennifer,” said Debbie. “That’s the whole point. All these years we’ve been focused on her behavior, when we should have been focused on solving the problems that cause her behavior.” “I’m not going to let her hit people,” said Kevin.
They checked off fifteen of the eighteen lagging skills. “Geez, she’s lacking a lot of skills,” said Kevin, looking a bit unsettled.
“So, he’s going to have a ton of problems, isn’t he? I mean, he screams about a lot of things.”
You’ll need to decide which of your unsolved problems are high priorities and which ones are lower priorities.
If your child is unclear about your expectations, then issuing clearer commands would be a great idea. But the vast majority of kids with concerning behaviors are well aware of their parents’ expectations and equally clear about how they’re expected to behave. Lack of clarity isn’t what’s getting in the way.
The words “I’ve decided that . . .” are usually a good indication that you’re in the midst of using Plan A: “Because you’re having difficulty completing your math homework before you go outside, I’ve decided that you can’t go outside until your math homework is done,” or “Because you are having difficulty getting your teeth brushed before bed, I’ve decided that there will be no TV or video games at night until your teeth are brushed,” or “I’ve decided that since you seem to be having difficulty being home at 12 am for curfew, you’re grounded.”
With Plan A, you’re trying to solve the problem through the use of power. Power causes conflict. If you teach power, you’ll get power back. In other words, being unilateral is a good way to get your kid to respond in kind. So, is Plan A off the table completely? No, if your child is about to dart in front of a speeding car in a parking lot, use Plan A. Yank on her arm and save her life. If she blows up, so be it. But, if three weeks later she’s darted in front of a speeding car in a parking lot seventeen additional times and you’ve yanked seventeen additional times, perhaps yanking is
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Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step. The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand what’s making it hard for her to meet a particular expectation. The Define Adult Concerns step involves communicating your concern or perspective on the same problem, especially why it’s important that the expectation be met. The Invitation step is when you and your child work toward a solution that is (a) realistic
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in the case of the unsolved problem of difficulty brushing teeth, the best time to have a Plan B discussion with your child is before she’s faced with the task of brushing her teeth, rather than in the heat of the moment. If the unsolved problem is difficulty completing math homework, the time to have a Plan B discussion is before the next time your child is struggling with her math homework. Since you’ve already decided which high-priority unsolved problems you’re working on, you should be using Proactive Plan B the vast majority of the time.
Plan C involves setting aside an unsolved problem completely, at least temporarily. As you’ve read, Plan C is neither giving in nor giving up. It’s prioritizing. If you try solving all of your child’s unsolved problems at once, you’ll solve none of them at all. When you use Plan C, you’ve consciously, intentionally, and deliberately decided to set aside a given expectation either because you have other, higher-priority expectations to pursue or because you’ve decided it was unrealistic in the first place.
make sure you’re prepared for each of these possibilities.
DIFFICULTY BRUSHING TEETH AT NIGHT: The thing is, if you don’t brush your teeth at night, the food you’ve been eating all day sits on your teeth and could cause cavities. I’m not all that interested in spending money for the dentist, and I don’t want you to have to go through the agony of getting Novocaine and having your teeth drilled.
He’s had so much Plan A in his life that he’s still betting on the Plan A horse. You’ll have to reassure him that you’re not riding that horse anymore.
PARENT: I heard from your teacher, Ms. Adams, that you hit Jovan on the playground. KID: I did not. She’s lying. PARENT: Now, why would Ms. Adams lie about that? KID: I don’t know, but she is. I didn’t hit him. He hit me. PARENT: That’s not what she said. KID: Well, she’s wrong. PARENT: She said she saw it with her own eyes! KID: Then she’s blind, ’cuz I didn’t hit him. He hit me. Why don’t you believe me? Whether or not the kid is telling the truth is one issue
solving the chronic problem of the kid and Jovan having difficulty getting along on the playground.
Remember, you’re setting limits whether you’re using Plan A or Plan B. With Plan A you’re setting limits by imposing your will.
What about the real world? What if my kid has a “Plan A” boss someday? ANSWER: A Plan A boss is a problem to be solved. Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority taught with Plan A, or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory with Plan B? If kids are completely dependent on the imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will? My friend Tony Wagner has written
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QUESTION: I’m not that quick on my feet. I can’t always decide what Plan to use on the spur of the moment. ANSWER: It’s only in the heat of the moment that you have to be quick on your feet. Another of the many reasons that being proactive is far preferable.
Every family has its challenges. Siblings don’t always get along, parents don’t always see eye to eye on things, everyone’s too busy, kids are stressed about school or grades or friends, adults are stressed about work or money or trying to carve out time for themselves. Add a kid with concerning behaviors to the mix, and many families and marriages will be pushed to the brink. Then add grandparents who remember the way they would’ve done things in the “good old days” and soccer or hockey coaches who are delighted to tell you how they’d handle your kid.
Now add a child whose concerning behaviors are extremely aggressive and unsafe and who is highly volatile, reactive, and unstable, and “concerning behaviors” has taken on new meaning.
All kids (and adults) have lagging skills and unsolved problems, some more than others. In other words, we’re all working on something.
problems between siblings tend to be highly predictable, Proactive Plan B is still far preferable to Emergency Plan B.
SARCASM: Sarcastic remarks are often totally lost on kids who are black-and-white thinkers, because they don’t have the skills to figure out that the parent means the exact opposite of what they actually said.
PUT-DOWNS: These are not a great way to engage a kid in solving problems collaboratively (“What’s the matter with you?! Why can’t you be more like your sister?”).
CATASTROPHIZING: This is where parents greatly exaggerate the effect of current behavior on a child’s future well-being (“We’ve resigned ourselves to the fact that ...
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INTERRUPTING: Don’t forget, the child is probably having trouble sorting through his thoughts in the first place. Your interruptions don’t help.
LECTURING: “How many times do I have to tell you . . .” Well, you’ve probably told them more than enough times, so it’s better to switch gears and try to figure out and resolve whatever is getting in the way of your kid doing what you’ve been telling them to do.
TALKING THROUGH A THIRD PERSON: “You’re not going out with your friends this weekend, and your father is going to tell you why. Isn’t that right, dear?” Whether you’re hiding behind someone else or not, Plan A is not the ideal way to get your concerns addressed.
This is a statement of the obvious, but a child with concerning behaviors can put tremendous pressure on your mental health and on your marriage. In many two-parent families, one parent is primarily disposed toward imposition of adult will (convinced that more authority would get things squared away),
Sometimes one partner feels exhausted and resentful that they have to be the primary parent because the other parent spends a lot of time at work.
