Home Is Where the Bodies Are

by Amanda East

Call me a masochist, but I have to go and find out what became of the life I ran away from. I didn’t even know I was craving that until this very second. The thought fills me with more exhilaration than I have felt in years. I know it will hurt, but at least I will feel something.

Being a mom isn’t something I have ever really wanted, but I can’t bring myself to break his heart with that. He wants it so much that… I don’t know how to say no. I avoid the question instead,

I thought I was the only one of us that had wondered what might happen if I encountered my old love, the love I had run from,

Foreshadowing?

There was so little to go on that everyone decided she had just run away. She had gotten tired of her alcoholic husband and walked away from her whole life for a new start. There will never be a world in which I believe that. She wasn’t that person. She was an amazing mother. She was my best friend. She was both our cheerleader and our total support system, our hand to hold in the dark. There was nothing she loved more than being our mom. She never would have left us.

It was him. I have zero doubt.

I’m older now and I think I can manage a renewed relationship with him as long as he’s willing to give me another chance.

I have forgotten how much I love the land here. Seeing it for the first time in so long is a painful reminder of all the good I have left behind as well. Suddenly, I remember it wasn’t all bad here, there was just so much bad that I abandoned it all, even the parts I loved.

As I stare into her vacant eyes, I can only see myself. In every curve of her body, I see me. She looks just like me.

Sticking to what I believe might mean the difference between survival and being the next body.

As the two men now face each other, I can see their contempt for one another between them. They were friends once upon a time and now all of that has somehow melted away into bitter hate.

She may be wearing my tattoo on her body, but Cash wears the match and he is the only person on the planet, aside from myself, that knows it’s deep meaning. If that bit of information connects me to a horrific crime, shouldn’t it connect Cash as well? With a hard swallow, I let the realization sink in that my ex-lover may not be who I thought he was.

People don’t want to know the truth if it makes them uncomfortable.

I fear that, even though he may have done these terrible things, I will still be drawn to him like a moth to the flame. I fear that I will get too close and get burned, that he will burn down what’s left of everyone

I have to wonder if he will return at all. If he doesn’t, I can’t blame him. I would understand completely. I might even give him a high-five for making a good choice.

One only lies about where he is if he is doing something he shouldn’t be.

Maybe in the end you decide I’m it, maybe you don’t. I’ll deal with that when it comes, but I’ll be here waiting if you decide you need me.”

“I don’t know how he stole your self-worth, but I could kill him for it.”

I feel instantly angry when I make the connection between deleting technology from my life and an ability to isolate me from everyone I used to know.

None of these things were said to me jokingly or out of kindness. They were said to put me in a position of need, to make me feel like less than. They were used strategically to invalidate every emotion or thought I was having.

None of those things are okay or forgivable. None of that allows for a truly happy ending. There’s too much baggage and the hurt is too much, but we did survive and were able to salvage nearly everything being ripped away from us.

The monster did not win, but love did and that is as close to happy as we can get.